There are people in my life that I see semi-regularly and who I value a lot. They are supportive and understanding towards me in ways that most people aren't, and they've helped me to grow so much. But I have a problem in my friendship with them, and it's really hard.
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I'm so confused. They know I'm autistic, were in fact supportive and instrumental in helping me to discover and accept that about myself. And yet despite all of their wisdom and understanding they honestly believe something that baffles me.
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See, they insist that if I speak to them with a tone they interpret as angry, or if I use words that have connotations I don't intend to convey, that I'm making the choice not to value them and their well-being. "Speaking kindly is non-negotiable."
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The thing is, "speaking kindly" is not just a simple switch you flick. Everyone interprets everything differently. Sure, yes, things like gentle tones and generous words are important! But there's so much more! Shared history, personal preferences, triggers, interests etc!
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And in moments when I am at my most vulnerable, when I'm past my limits, when I'm using every ounce of energy I have not to just scream incoherently at the gods, it's very difficult to "speak kindly" to someone. That doesn't mean I don't value and respect them, though!
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But when I try to explain this they tell me I'm making excuses, or failing to take responsibility for my actions. I wanna be clear, "my actions" in this case might be something like having an "angry" facial expression, or using a frustrated tone. Not even like yelling.
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This is very relatable. :( It always turns the conversation to being about the other person's feelings, and I'm like - why is this suddenly about you? Why can't we hold space for my anger?
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I've had success presenting my anger/frustration as sadness - it's not too hard through text. I once told an ex-partner that I did this process for another friend (as it was always effective), and partner immediately demanded I do the same process for her. But it's exhausting!
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