My heart and my gut hurt thinking about what to write next. I've been holding this for a year and I still don't know what to do with it. I still feel guilty. I still don't know how to trust myself, not really.
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What I suspect is that I spent the last several years running on fear, and I spent most of last year running on hope. Hope felt a lot better. It felt incredible! But it turns out hope has all of the same problems as fear.
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The shape of my hope was this: all I have to do is this feelings stuff, and then people will love me. And then I won't feel so alone. And then everything will finally be okay.
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QC Retweeted QC
QC added,
QC @QiaochuYuanThe problem with being powered by hope is that you can't look at things that you sense would cause you to lose hope. The hope becomes intertwined with a fear of losing hope. You get addicted to it and it distorts your behavior. I hurt someone I cared deeply about this way.Show this thread1 reply 0 retweets 36 likesShow this thread -
It took the almost complete dissolution of my most important group of friends for me to begin to understand that hope wasn't the answer any more than fear. That, in fact, there was nothing I could do that would make it all okay.
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I have been slowly losing hope over the last year, and I want to be very clear that I think this is progress. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do the things I want to do in the world without risking hurting people. I don't know, yet, how to act without hope.
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What I do know is that there is something I care about, and that something matters.
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I'm gonna spend a decent chunk of the day trying to say nice things to strangers on Kind Words if anyone would like to join me:https://store.steampowered.com/app/1070710/Kind_Words_lo_fi_chill_beats_to_write_to/ …
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Replying to @QiaochuYuan
O: Downloading now. I've been pondering what kinds of activities in video games could help us feel our feelings/bodies better and help us connect to each other. Do you know of any others like this?
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Replying to @coponder @QiaochuYuan
DDR? wii sports? As for how to connect better. I'm having trouble disentangling that from powerful game moments, connecting with video game characters. I've heard good things about the last of us & life is strange.
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Oh yeah, DDR and Beat Saber are great for actual movement. I'm hoping this game will be able to teach us something as well:https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=SoIf3HNI-DQ …
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