Conan O'BrienVerified account

Would it be obnoxious if I held a press conference just to say “I’m havin’ a bitchin’ summer”?

If you wear a visor for longer than 3 minutes, you’re legally required to change your name to Trey.

Never tell a newly divorced masseuse to “take your anger out on my shoulders.”

Summer vacation is my only chance to get away from it all and just tweet.

Fiji and I used to have the same number of Olympic gold medals. Touché, Fiji.

This summer I’m going to work on my memoirs: “The Fire Crotch Chronicles.”

If the object of tennis is to hit the ball into the net and swear a lot, I’m very, very good.

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Anyway, I think you fractured my clavicle and I am going to sue.

Ah, the dog days of summer. These are truly my salad days. Sunday, Monday, Happy Days. Happy Dog Salad. Ok I’m drunk.

I know it's wrong to generalize, but I just don't like murderers.

This is right around the time of year I start calling my shorts “The Chafing Dish.”

Given current weather trends, a Sharknado is a distinct possibility.

I always bring my baseball glove to the ballpark, just in case a falcon wants to land on my hand.

I am devastated by the passing of Suzanne Wright. She and her husband Bob tirelessly nurtured my career and family. This is a terrible loss.

My accountant informs me that I’ve never been retweeted by @Cher

Had a dream where evil space creatures intent on destroying humankind land, watch us for a few days, shrug, then take off.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, dudes wore vests.

My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that I’ve got great news. The bad news is that I don’t know what adjectives are.

Thank you, #SDCC. Much like The Death of Superman, this will be my final appearance ever and I'll be back again next year! #ConanCon