Conan O'BrienVerified account

Kids today learn about sex and Alexander Hamilton much sooner than I did.

My wig, prosthetics, & makeup artist cost $2,000, but with them I can roam the Pasadena Flea Market undisturbed, looking for porcelain hands

I don’t take my career for granted, which is why every April I renew my commercial crab fisherman’s license.

Upon death, instead of having my whole life flash before my eyes, I just want to watch Season 3 of The Sopranos again

I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.

Only three people on the entire planet have ever said: “Hold my Olympic medal while I trash this Brazilian gas station.”

Lochte, Lochte, Pants on Fochte!

Turns out the proper response to “How’s it hanging?” is NOT “via a complex network of pulleys and trusses.”

My stream of consciousness puts James Joyce to needlenose pliers.

Would it be obnoxious if I held a press conference just to say “I’m havin’ a bitchin’ summer”?

If you wear a visor for longer than 3 minutes, you’re legally required to change your name to Trey.

Never tell a newly divorced masseuse to “take your anger out on my shoulders.”

Summer vacation is my only chance to get away from it all and just tweet.

Fiji and I used to have the same number of Olympic gold medals. Touché, Fiji.

This summer I’m going to work on my memoirs: “The Fire Crotch Chronicles.”

If the object of tennis is to hit the ball into the net and swear a lot, I’m very, very good.

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Anyway, I think you fractured my clavicle and I am going to sue.

Ah, the dog days of summer. These are truly my salad days. Sunday, Monday, Happy Days. Happy Dog Salad. Ok I’m drunk.

I know it's wrong to generalize, but I just don't like murderers.

This is right around the time of year I start calling my shorts “The Chafing Dish.”