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Kate Hudson is my neighbor, which means she's had the misfortune of seeing me in a very tight bike outfit. Hear her horrifying tale @ http://apple.co/TeamCoco pic.twitter.com/2ubz1nz6zb
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Once again, I find myself largely unaffected by the NFL’s free agency period.
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You never hear about Trivia Mornings.
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I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he's telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
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Instead of saying "The days are getting longer," I like to walk around with a candle and cry, "NIGHT!...she withers...."
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A lot of people complain about capitalism, but without capitalism, how could I have been threatened at knifepoint by a Times Square Elmo?
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Within 10 minutes of our conversation,
@SHAQ changed the title of my podcast and named@sonamov’s future children. Listen now @ http://apple.co/TeamCoco pic.twitter.com/g2PiYEFUhm
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President Biden just announced, by the end of 2022 every American adult who wants one will have access to a PlayStation 5.
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CVS should carry a vaccine that protects against long receipts! Am I right people? Hello?
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Birds are in for a rude awakening in 4 months when we all stop filling our feeders.
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I agree that grocery store workers should get vaccinated before talk show hosts (though there are currently 3,000 more talk show hosts).
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I'm starting to worry the Tom Cruise that comes over and hangs out with me in the garage is a deepfake.
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Me: Can you explain non-fungible tokens to me? Son: Dad, my bedtime is at 11:00. Me: It's 8 in the morning. Son: I know.
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Happy
#InternationalWomensDay
to all of the incredible women of CONAN. #IWD2021
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Reminisced with "Office Ladies"
@jennafischer and@angelakinsey about that time I dropped from the Dunder Mifflin ceiling onto Dwight's desk. Listen now @ http://apple.co/TeamCoco pic.twitter.com/rywx8d6tUt
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When it comes to the Royal Family, I always root for the woman who married the ginger.
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It’s been 8 months. Time to buy herbal tea again and remember I don’t like it.
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It always bothered me that the band Earth, Wind and Fire never included the fourth element, Magnesium.
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I hope CGI Luke Skywalker shows up at the end of my career.
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Pokémon cards are cool again. Low-rise jeans are back. There's an Olsen sister on television– WHAT YEAR IS IT SOMEONE HELP ME.
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