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Would it be obnoxious if I held a press conference just to say “I’m havin’ a bitchin’ summer”?
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If you wear a visor for longer than 3 minutes, you’re legally required to change your name to Trey.
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Never tell a newly divorced masseuse to “take your anger out on my shoulders.”
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Summer vacation is my only chance to get away from it all and just tweet.
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Fiji and I used to have the same number of Olympic gold medals. Touché, Fiji.
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This summer I’m going to work on my memoirs: “The Fire Crotch Chronicles.”
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If the object of tennis is to hit the ball into the net and swear a lot, I’m very, very good.
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Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Anyway, I think you fractured my clavicle and I am going to sue.
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Ah, the dog days of summer. These are truly my salad days. Sunday, Monday, Happy Days. Happy Dog Salad. Ok I’m drunk.
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I know it's wrong to generalize, but I just don't like murderers.
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This is right around the time of year I start calling my shorts “The Chafing Dish.”
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Given current weather trends, a Sharknado is a distinct possibility.
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I always bring my baseball glove to the ballpark, just in case a falcon wants to land on my hand.
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I am devastated by the passing of Suzanne Wright. She and her husband Bob tirelessly nurtured my career and family. This is a terrible loss.
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My accountant informs me that I’ve never been retweeted by
@Cher -
Had a dream where evil space creatures intent on destroying humankind land, watch us for a few days, shrug, then take off.
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A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, dudes wore vests.
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My parents won't say which of their six kids they love the best, but they have told me I finished just out of the top five.
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that I’ve got great news. The bad news is that I don’t know what adjectives are.
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Conan O'Brien