Conan O'BrienVerified account

When I die, I want to be buried with my boots on. Specifically, my black Prada Saffiano Leather Plain-Toes.

A lot of job loss is attributed to automation. In fact, today I fired my writers because for the next 4 years, jokes will write themselves.

You can really sense the unease in America. No wait I’m just on a moving walkway in an airport.

When you march the streets shouting with people it’s civil disobedience, but do it drunk by yourself & it’s an involuntary 72-hour hold

I dreamed I was driving 100 mph on the freeway and when I woke up I was driving 100 mph on the freeway.

Donald Trump’s inauguration is expected to be the most costly in US history. And that’s not even factoring in the money.

The only thing we have to fear is Gerald Fear, of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. He is a serial killer.

“I don’t believe in limits” is a less inspiring creed when shouted shirtless to a highway patrolman who’s just pulled you over.

If we all pitch in, we can fund the removal of that little Eddie Munster-ish v-shaped hair thing on Paul Ryan’s forehead.

If an asteroid hit the earth right now, I think a lot of us would just shrug.

Reminder to my massage therapists: the less you giggle the more I tip.

Bachelorette party planners: make sure to buy chocolate penises with at least 65% cocoa if you want the antioxidant benefits.

Except for my tendency to screech at flying sparks, I would have made an excellent blacksmith.

The only time I regret having 3 cats is fairly often.

Doctor says my testosterone levels are normal. So why did I just spend 3 hours on Pinterest looking at kilims?

If only there was another way to be a philanthropist.

I know you’re not supposed to yell “Fire” in a theater, but since when am I not supposed to yell “Pooty Tang?”

I prefer farm-to-sink, because that’s where I’m standing when I eat most of my meals.