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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    15. sij

    doctor: describe your average night me: they wear suits of armor doctor: no I mean at bedtime me: they probably take it off

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 6 sati

    “Kansas City Chiefs” - insensitive to Native Americans - only have one kind of bowl - at least they’re not Washington? “Kansas City Chefs” - woah baby - this fucking rules - vast assortment of bowls - what ya whipping up in the kitchen? - can i have some

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 23 sata

    Top 5 reasons I know I'm ready to be a parent: 1) I'm a clean freak 2) I'm a germaphobe 3) Loud noises irritate me 4) I sleep 7-9 hours every night 5) I need a lot of "me" time to function

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 5 sati

    Giant koala in a ballroom gown: Did you take my LSD? Me: Yeah but- oh my God Koala: What is it Me: You look incredible in that dress

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 5 sati

    david attenborough: lookit this cute little defenseless creature :) me: aw [low intense violins start playing] david attenborough: lookit this deceptively cute predator :) me: david no david attenborough: circle of life :) me: :(

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  6. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 4 sata

    me: im terrified of australia therapist: let's dig a little me: [nervous] k but not too far

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  7. me: [driving up] wanna go kangaroo hunting? friend: sure, I'll hop in. me: [pumping shotgun] wtf did you just say?

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    doctor: we're putting you in a cast me: [a struggling actor] will I have any lines?

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Hugh Jackman: *crying at his dining room table* Crikey! His Wife: What’s wrong? Hugh: *pawing at his food with his knuckles* It won’t work! It’s not cutting! His Wife: Hugh we’ve been over this. You don’t have your claws anymore, you need to use a fork and knife.

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  10. doctor: we're putting you in a cast me: [a struggling actor] will I have any lines?

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 9 sati

    Me: I won a trip to Australia! Him: outback? Me: nah, online

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    I am a: ⚪️ Man ⚪️ Woman 🔘 Dingo Looking for a: ⚪️ Man ⚪️ Woman 🔘 Baby

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj
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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    him: so what’s your love language me: [chomping eucalyptus] koala-ty time

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  15. 2. velj

    me: I need you to sew this mom: sew what me: wow ok nevermind

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    remember when pitbull made a song called international love and spent the entirety of it talking about america?

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    BIG GAME CHECKLIST: My TV? Huge✔️ My beer? Craft ✔️ My wings? Spicy✔️ My kids? Won’t speak to me✔️ My pigs? In blankets✔️ My team? Chiefs, baby!✔️ My marriage? Crumbling✔️ My dips? Assorted✔️ My loneliness? Profound✔️

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    [commercial] husband: can’t wait to have the boys over for ᴛʜᴇ ʙɪɢ ɢᴀᴍᴇ wife: and you know ᴛʜᴇ ʙɪɢ ɢᴀᴍᴇ calls for big snacks me: haha, you guys mean the super bowl? [their bodies freeze, their eyes notice me for the first time] me: guys? [the walls begin to melt]

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  19. 1. velj

    superman: let me just put on my glasses real quick cop: CLARK?

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  20. 1. velj

    cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong superman: lmao they're not on wrong cop: superman: wait is this wrong

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Aragorn: You have my sword Legolas: And my bow Gimli: And my axe J.G. Wentworth: And a structured settlement but you need cash now

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