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Officer: Have you been drinking tonight? Me: I actually went to Yale and played a ton of sports and a lot of people were my friends and boy, do I love church.
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Haven’t packed or slept and am going to the airport in 3 hours.

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I haven’t been to an open mic in so long, I can’t tell if I’m funny anymore or just someone’s weird aunt.
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It hasn’t even been a week into the new year and I am already texting with men from several failed romantic attempts. I knew I’d be back on my bullshit but I never dreamed this quickly.
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“Thinking about cleaning is part of the cleaning process” - me justifying cleaning nothing for 4 hours straight as I sit in the filth that is my apartment
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Thanks for having me Doug!!https://twitter.com/dougathan/status/1081270943840751617 …
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Christine Medrano Retweeted
If ur a Sagittarius how about u fcking grow up
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My mom read my journal! She said it had too many tropes.
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I wonder which influencer will be president.
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Happy “Democrats take over the house tomorrow” eve
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The cool part of being severed from a social group from speaking out about sexual assault is all the group chats you are no longer part of.
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Had diarrhea right after my first meal and this is still 100000% better than my New Year’s Day last year.
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Yo, straight dudes who were waiting for Louie to come back, come claim your man!https://twitter.com/heyjaredhey/status/1080166049822269441 …
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It’s only the first day of 2019 and I haven’t invested in any crypto currency! This year is already off to a better start than 2018!
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I don’t know, maybe all your friends do hate you? Anyways, Happy New Years!
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Left my first party of 2019 early to go to bed.
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2018 would end on a fucking Monday.
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This one viral tweet made up for how awful 2018 was.https://twitter.com/chrissymeds/status/1045447018657669120 …
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Christine Medrano Retweeted
TONIGHT! 50 comics tell the worst joke they wrote in 2018 then we have a huge dance party. It will be fun and stupid. 9 pm
@SilverlakeLnge !pic.twitter.com/xmXWaDcowk
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Woman: are you crying?? Me: MY MAKEUP IS JUST DEWY, YOU DUMB STUPID BITCH! MOVE ON, GET OVER IT!
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