That moment when you open up Twitter and realize one of your parenting notes started a fight between Luke Skywalker and Captain America
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Chris Illuminati
@chrisilluminati
Yes, it's my real last name • 5x author • dad • rasslin' fan • runner
Chris Illuminati’s Tweets
Nothing funnier than looking at a piece of work created in 1951 through a 2022 lens and going “yo, this is wrong/offensive/dumb/trash.”
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Gary Busey’s last tweet is kinda awkward right now
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When your kid does something and your wife says “why aren’t you mad?” and you’ve gotta fake mad to make her happy
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The most upset we've seen Aaron Boone in a press conference during his five seasons as Yankees manager
(via @MarlyRiveraESPN)
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I was just wondering if my kid’s kids will someday also play with slime and then I decided “they will if I have anything to do with it.”
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NFL suspensions:
Deshaun Watson: 11 games, $5 million fine - 24 sexual misconduct lawsuits.
Ridley: Indefinite - Bet for his team to win
Burfict: 12 games - Targeting
Hopkins: 6 games - PED
Martavis: Indefinite - Weed
Josh Gordon: 76 games - Weed
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Anyway, here’s Wonderwall…
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99% of movies don't have a better ending than this 😂
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Doing a DDT on the floor in front of Ricky Steamboat is like taking Jackie O to a shooting range. #AEWDynamite
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🎶🎵 SEXXYYY KUUURT 🎶🎵
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The only book…
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What’s the one book you’ve recommended to people more than any other over the past 10 years?
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i may have a problem
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I love talking to young people. I get the chance to speak about the past as if I were a historian or scholar.
For example, today, I explained to a 22-year-old who Eddie Vedder is
🤦♂️
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Men say we have makeup to make us look better but they have the power of a backwards baseball cap so I would say we are even.
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It’s probably worth more if signed by the player the Philly fan threw it at
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
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Truck owner: I dream of a woman stretched out across the bed of my truck.
Friend: I gotchu.
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Everyone reaches a point in life where the word fuck goes from being a bad word to an entire mood
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I'm always looking for a reason to leave my house and then immediately looking for a reason to go home
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Apparently, Vince only remembers your name if he writes it on hush money checks.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, "I'm NOT going all the way to the ocean right now."
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Mix things up by putting framed quotes meant for the kitchen into the bathroom
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Almost a year into spanish immersion preschool and my daughter still thinks the response to gracias is “vanilla!"
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Funny how there are two ways to spell grey and I have no idea which I'm supposed to use.
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When asked how I’m doing, I’ll say “good” even when I’m not doing good because the cereal aisle isn’t the place to discuss my life, Carole!
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Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
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My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
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I thought I met a really amazing girl on a dating app so we FaceTimed and before she could say anything a knife cut her and she was really a cake
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Thinking back to that time when Tim Raines just wanted to be known by his nickname,Rock, and everyone was like “cool cool”
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10: Did you know your tongue never rests in your mouth?
Me: Yes because we said goodnight 20 minutes ago.
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I’m going to start buying frames and leaving the stock photos in. I’ll hang them up around the house and tell my kids they’re cousins they’ve never met.
“That’s Gregg. Two GGs. He gets defensive if you spell his name wrong. Collects buttons.”
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This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
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