#tbt to the days when I always had a drink in my hand. ... As Thursday ended, so did my 2,000th day without a drink.pic.twitter.com/DlRjx5lucX
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And still, even as thing got worse, I avoided even considering the possibility that my problems had anything to do with my drinking.
Even when I moved to DC — which happened after I'd been euphemistically "underemployed" for 9 months — things didn't really change.
I once tried to flag down a cab on Connecticut Avenue and got into a guy's back seat — a guy who was ~NOT~ a cab driver.
I probably should have ended up in jail that night, or he could have beaten the crap out of me, but someone was watching out for me.
Some time later, I found out that driver was watching out for me that night: He was a sober guy, and he took me to a friend's place.
But, even that night, & a similar night in NYC, didn't do it. It turned out that what did it for me was when I just couldn't do it anymore.
That was June 27, 2010. As I told a friend later, I'd always had an excuse for my drinking: good things, bad things, stress, whatever.
But, in late June 2010, I found that I had no such excuse, and yet that I was still as out of control as ever with my drinking.
So, I started dealing with it. I talked to people, I found help, I stopped drinking, and — eventually — I changed my way of living.
My life over the years since has been such a gift. And that's not because it was all easy (it wasn't) or all good (it wasn't).
Life has, however, been so ~different~ over these past sober years. ... Just knowing I won't black out or be hungover was a start.
But since that became my new normal, so much more has come about because I was able to stop all of the lies that went along with all that.
And, once that became normal, I was able to start dealing with still other things I'd been avoiding. It's just a constant building process.
And, I'm slow! It took until this spring, for example, for me to really start focusing on my physical health consistently.
Folks can joke with me about all of my social media-ing about my working out, but that has been very hard earned self-care.
On Wednesday, I left work early to go to the gym before meeting a friend for dinner bc I'd not made it to the gym on Monday or Tuesday.
That is a sentence I would not ever in my life have written until this year. I did, however, often leave work early to get to happy hour.
Now, it's very different. You see me going to plays all the time. It's not that I'm rich. I've just not been buying drinks for 5+ years.
Seriously, do the math. I was drinking a lot on a lot of nights of the week, plus drinking wine at home on "cooking" nights. So much money.
So, now, instead of spending money blacking out and regretting my actions, I spend money seeing amazing performances of amazing shows. Win.
And, no, not all of it is easy. Are there times I miss it? Sure. Early on, there were lots of times. Even now, there are moments. But ...
I just remember how small my world had gotten, how predictable (drunken mess) AND unpredictable (anything could happen) things were.
And, it's a similar thing for me when it comes to momentary desires to drink when things are bad or stressful or whatever.
I recall what many people have said to me, and it is so true for me: There's nothing wrong in my life that a drink wouldn't make worse.
And the corollary, for me, also is true: There's nothing so good in my life that a drink couldn't ruin it.
And so, as I enter my 2,001st day without drinking, my life is pretty amazing. I am full of gratitude for this gift I've been given.
I live a life full of love, passion, & purpose, & I'm surrounded by amazing people. I want to do all I can to help myself stay on that path.
I know there's nothing about my sobriety or life that is permanent, so I will continue moving forward as I've done for the past 2,000 days.
Full of gratitude, hope, and (as I constantly try to remind myself) humility — one day at a time.
Not just one day at a time — but also by constantly asking for help and being honest with myself and to others about where I'm at mentally.
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