thinking about motivation and preferences today. i have been living (and do live) a lot of my life based on what I think I _should do_ because i was taught that self-discipline and forcing yourself to do the hard thing is how you become successful
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i began by asking myself “why do i want to be successful?” money is the first answer to me but while i’ve done okay for myself and it’s nice not worrying about it, i’ve already noticed it’s a bit like trying to fill a hole with paper that disintegrates as it hits the bottom
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so the clear next step is to think “well once I have enough that I don’t have to rely on anyone, then i’ll be good”. but what does “enough” mean in this context and why is it important to “not have to rely on anyone?” (i suspect some counter-dependence at play here)
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so then maybe it’s prestige? but again, with the (albeit limited) amount i have had, it seems to be something that quickly disintegrates when you actually attain it. i.e. the idea of having it is much better then actually having it
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why is this? because you can associate any sort of emotional state or happiness with something in the future. the thing is a blank canvas which can have any sort of emotion tied to it, so it’s potential is always much greater than the thing itself
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anyway, i think success is something external which i’ve unknowingly *internalized*. (bc school, society, etc, etc) and so i used to think i was unhappy because i hadn’t *achieved* enough but really it’s just because i was striving for things i didn’t actually want
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so, why am i unmotivated? becomes, “well maybe i don’t really want this thing and am just forcing myself to do it” now of course, you need to do this to an extent bc capitalism and whatnot but why am i working in a particularly intense job if i’d still be ok with less money?
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because i still haven’t broken the internalization of success/money/prestige being something i can’t live without? maybe is trying to get myself to be “okay” with the higher-paying, less-interesting, more-intense job just me trying to sneak one by my internal motivations?
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chad donkey from shrek 2 Retweeted chad donkey from shrek 2
internal motivations are difficult to change but are probably malleable to an extent as usual, the hard part is figuring out what they ought to behttps://twitter.com/choosy_mom/status/1218374143474749440 …
chad donkey from shrek 2 added,
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Replying to @choosy_mom @yung_shishtov
any other ways to size up internal motivations besides introspection and intuition?
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drugs
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