Traveling as an adult with my Chinese parents is very comfortable, but also disconcerting I don’t often spend full, uninterrupted days with them anymore, and similar to my friends from HS/college from whom I’ve drifted, we don’t share as much life-context as we used to
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chad donkey from shrek 2 Retweeted QC
Unlike on trips with friends, I’ve noticed that it’s strangely difficult for me to make hours of observational small talk with my parents In part I think it’s because we already have unconditional relationships & we aren’t searching for affirmation from each otherhttps://twitter.com/QiaochuYuan/status/1211943537870172161 …
chad donkey from shrek 2 added,
QC @QiaochuYuanReplying to @eigenrobot @aphercotropist and 2 otherspractically speaking, as a contingent fact about atomized culture, the only thing anyone is ever doing in a social conversation is asking questions like "do you like me? do you want to connect with me? do you love me? do you want to play with me? can i trust you?"1 reply 0 retweets 5 likesShow this thread -
But I know it’s also partly because of how little we’ve *openly* communicated with each other in our lifetimes I’m talking about the subtextual stuff, conversations with real emotional stakes Things like insecurity, identity, history, regrets, etc.—and how we feel about them
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I enjoy talking about this stuff with my friends, but my parents haven’t really exercised their vocabulary for this kind of thing I’ve tried to broach these topics with them, but I’ve mostly encountered discomfort and sometimes defensiveness
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And I have a good relationship with my parents! Relative to the Chinese immigrant families I grew up around (my parents’ friends), my family actually seems more communicative, self-aware, and socially cohesive than average
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It’s easy for us to talk about safely impersonal things like sports, personal finance, ‘politics’, & funny family stories But I also spend a lot of my time & headspace on interpersonal things like work, friends, and dating—all of which feel like cagier subject matter
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These represent a cultural universe that Chinese parents often find inscrutable and unpalatable Our baseline assumptions and values seem to diverge pretty sharply here, and their advice often doesn’t work quite as well in my context
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I wonder what it would take to break those conversations open with my family, to really reveal ourselves to each other? I wonder to what extent it’s even possible, and somewhat guiltily, I wonder how much effort it’s worth?
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I do know a few people whose parents are their closest friends and confidants, but none are from 80s/90s white-collar Chinese-American immigrant families Lots to dig into here re: different immigration waves, economic circumstances, other countries’ immigrant cultures
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Most of the Chinese-Americans I follow seem to be from a similar immigration cohort, and some of them post about their family dynamic But everything I’ve seen so far has been jokey Subtle Asian Traits-esque material, mostly about the cultural alienation I’ve described here
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Also FWIW I think I’ve seen this phenomenon in non-Chinese and non-immigrant families as well Basically in any family where they’ve learned to peacefully coexist without directly confronting a fundamental-values-chasm that’s opened up over time And that might be Good Enough
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update: got drunk w my parents for the first time. homies can hang. we’re really in it now. can’t wait for the next couple decades(?)
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