Vampires for Buddhism

@ChasingMyself

Formerly into competitive meditation, now processing trauma and figuring my life out. All that we’re doing is what we think someone exactly like us would do.

Vrijeme pridruživanja: siječanj 2020.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    2. sij

    Hey weird contemplative/post rat Twitter! I’ve been lurking for a while on my main, and decided to start up an alt because I wanted to talk more about my experience and feelings pseudonymously.

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  2. TIL that my spirit animal is this badass peacock.

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  3. 3. velj

    This is sad but true. I really resent my wife and it’s the major reason why my marriage is falling apart, but am having a hard time letting go of it since every time I try to talk about why I’m resentful it just makes stuff worse.

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  4. 27. sij

    It’s also been tough on my relationship with my wife. Despite getting really good at not letting action urges encourage me to do anything dangerous, threatening, or insulting, she’s still found me just being really angry with her corrosive to our relationship.

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  5. 27. sij

    What that’s looked like in practice is having persistent urges to hit other people, including random strangers. I obviously haven’t ever followed through with it and have been doing plenty of work with anger both in and out of therapy. But it’s incredibly wearying to live with.

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  6. 27. sij

    One of the things I’ve been a bit surprised about is how little I’ve been seeing about anger as a challenging effect of trauma. By far the hardest part of the past two years for me has been dealing with anger that’s no longer repressible but not yet integrated.

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  7. 19. sij

    Scene: a watermelon sits on a stand, with a gun across the room. It shoots a bullet towards it in slow motion. You’re pretty sure it’s one of those sciencey videos. All of a sudden, a banana yells NOOOO in slow motion and jumps in front of the bullet.

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  8. 14. sij

    One morning, when Gregor Samsa woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into an asshole — really just a giant douchebag.

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  9. 13. sij

    Have any of you had trouble crying on an SSRI? I’ve been on Paxil for a few months and had some good cries in the first few months, but the last 6 weeks it’s felt like I really need to cry and I just can’t.

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  10. 11. sij

    My deja vu mainly reminds me of the last time I had deja vu.

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  11. 11. sij

    I like to drop tidbits about how lots of human experiences aren’t universal (e.g. no mental visual imagery), and I’m psyched that today I met someone without an inner monologue.

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  12. 2. sij

    Then: My problem is that my arm fell asleep and now it feels all tingly. Now: My problem is that the tingles won’t spread out across my back, legs, and neck.

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  13. 2. sij

    In terms of meditation “goalposts”, I feel like I’m pretty far along on agencylessness, but not so far on panoramicity, centerlessness, or luminosity. Weird spiritual stuff keeps happening, and that’s become normal. Progress of Insight-style cycling is omnipresent but low-key.

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  14. 2. sij

    I feel like I’ve gotten really good at letting my body act fluidly to vocalize emotions and let out tension. So I mostly just let stuff like crying, hyperventilation, teeth chattering, and shuddering happen, and it seems like it’s reduced my reactivity in daily life.

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  15. 2. sij

    It’s been a bit of a roller coaster, but things have been on an upswing. Still trying to make my marriage work and unsure of the final outcome. Meditating a bit more again, though not a daily practice.

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  16. 2. sij

    But anyway, stuff got pretty rough. I discontinued meditation and was fortunate enough to find a great therapist who does Somatic experiencing and EMDR, which eventually improved a lot of the PTSD symptoms significantly. Also did some DBT work for getting emotional clarity.

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  17. 2. sij

    I do want to clarify that this wasn’t a failure of Pragmatic Dharma — I wasn’t following any recommended techniques like noting and explicitly ignored several different kinds of warnings.

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  18. 2. sij

    In early 2018 that came crashing down. I was trying to brute force my way through processing trauma with insight meditation, and essentially gave myself simultaneously PTSD and Kundalini syndrome. Unsurprisingly my marriage got worse and we did our 2nd round of couples therapy.

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  19. 2. sij

    Practice really took off in 2017 when I stumbled across Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha and other Pragmatic Dharma resources. I made a lot of rapid but ungrounded progress over the next year based on experimental meditation techniques that I came up with.

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  20. 2. sij

    I started meditating in 2016 inspired by David Chapman’s writing on how Vajrayana Buddhism could allow for more emotional fluidity to unclog difficult life situations. I didn’t use Vajrayana much and have been largely winging it, but this was true in the very long run.

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  21. 2. sij

    Brief personal history: Was a high-achieving kid with significant unprocessed trauma from my parents fighting and bulling. Got married young and have had significant ongoing relationship issues since then.

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