kindness to people who've been kept in emotional cages by malignant narcissistic masters of "you can't complain about me because i'm being nice" does not look the same as kindness to people who've been kept in line by fear of violence
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Replying to @selentelechia
tending toward "not nice"
"everyone is different" is EXTREMELY important here but features commonly useful would i think include a safe space for hostility, trust that the interaction exists on its own terms rather than being socially overdetermined, a frank sort of demeanor2 replies 0 retweets 8 likes -
Replying to @chaosprime
aha makes sense, and maps pretty neatly onto some of my own experiences. being around people who don't frontload every interaction with enough nice points to purchase future cruelty is really gratifying after you've been exposed to people who do use this tactic
1 reply 1 retweet 13 likes -
Replying to @selentelechia @chaosprime
I've been guilty of that kind of balance-sheet/transactional reasoning before (though I don't think I ever tipped over into cruelty), and tbh still have issues with it, so I have some sympathy for the narcissists too
1 reply 0 retweets 7 likes -
Replying to @selentelechia
good! malignant narcissists are people too i don't think balance sheet reasoning is inherently bad, none of us are only going to contribute positively all the time and it's a fine idea to pay attention to the net
2 replies 0 retweets 9 likes -
Replying to @chaosprime @selentelechia
i don't even really think the "coercive nice" pattern is really about balancing the books, i think it's about turning society into a loaded gun pointed at somebody's head
1 reply 0 retweets 5 likes -
Replying to @chaosprime
it does seem to be somewhat based in an assumption like...if you are seen being sufficiently Good, it's a violation of fairness to engage in confrontation or hostility I'm not sure how you avoid *some* implicit transactional reasoning whenever you get into navigating fairness
2 replies 0 retweets 5 likes
i see it as a Xanatos Gambit where, no matter how intrinsically unfair their demands are, they'll get their way, because if you play nice they'll win because they're better at it, and if you get pissed they'll win because everybody will turn against you since they were Being Nice
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