kindness to people who've been kept in emotional cages by malignant narcissistic masters of "you can't complain about me because i'm being nice" does not look the same as kindness to people who've been kept in line by fear of violence
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Replying to @selentelechia
tending toward "not nice"
"everyone is different" is EXTREMELY important here but features commonly useful would i think include a safe space for hostility, trust that the interaction exists on its own terms rather than being socially overdetermined, a frank sort of demeanor2 replies 0 retweets 8 likes -
Replying to @chaosprime
aha makes sense, and maps pretty neatly onto some of my own experiences. being around people who don't frontload every interaction with enough nice points to purchase future cruelty is really gratifying after you've been exposed to people who do use this tactic
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Replying to @selentelechia @chaosprime
I've been guilty of that kind of balance-sheet/transactional reasoning before (though I don't think I ever tipped over into cruelty), and tbh still have issues with it, so I have some sympathy for the narcissists too
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Replying to @selentelechia
good! malignant narcissists are people too i don't think balance sheet reasoning is inherently bad, none of us are only going to contribute positively all the time and it's a fine idea to pay attention to the net
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Replying to @chaosprime
it's definitely a useful metaphor, especially for making sense of feeling like things are unbalanced in a relationship. but social gestures and interactions aren't remotely fungible and it would be unwieldy at best to convert *all* of them into dollars
1 reply 0 retweets 2 likes
yeah, if one gets to the point of actually firing up Excel something has probably gone wrong along the way
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Replying to @chaosprime
I think feeling like firing up Excel is a good idea makes for an *excellent* alarm bell for your relationships unless you are a particular kind of person who just navigates the world like that by default because you like it :P
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