kindness to people who've been kept in emotional cages by malignant narcissistic masters of "you can't complain about me because i'm being nice" does not look the same as kindness to people who've been kept in line by fear of violence
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i don't even really think the "coercive nice" pattern is really about balancing the books, i think it's about turning society into a loaded gun pointed at somebody's head
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it's definitely a useful metaphor, especially for making sense of feeling like things are unbalanced in a relationship. but social gestures and interactions aren't remotely fungible and it would be unwieldy at best to convert *all* of them into dollars
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yeah, if one gets to the point of actually firing up Excel something has probably gone wrong along the way
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"everyone is different" is EXTREMELY important here but features commonly useful would i think include a safe space for hostility, trust that the interaction exists on its own terms rather than being socially overdetermined, a frank sort of demeanor