kindness to people who've been kept in emotional cages by malignant narcissistic masters of "you can't complain about me because i'm being nice" does not look the same as kindness to people who've been kept in line by fear of violence
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aha makes sense, and maps pretty neatly onto some of my own experiences. being around people who don't frontload every interaction with enough nice points to purchase future cruelty is really gratifying after you've been exposed to people who do use this tactic
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I've been guilty of that kind of balance-sheet/transactional reasoning before (though I don't think I ever tipped over into cruelty), and tbh still have issues with it, so I have some sympathy for the narcissists too
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what do you mean by 'interaction exists on its own terms rather than being socially overdetermined'
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a socially overdetermined interaction is a highly scripted one, where there are significant cultural expectations of how you're going to respond. malignant narcissists are amazing at using those to prevent you from responding to them honestly under threat of group censure
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"everyone is different" is EXTREMELY important here but features commonly useful would i think include a safe space for hostility, trust that the interaction exists on its own terms rather than being socially overdetermined, a frank sort of demeanor