sleepily looking for a butter knife to cut up a banana for cereal, i thought “didn’t i... earlier?” where the fully subvocalized thought would’ve been “didn’t i [leave a knife there] earlier [days ago]?” and i could dimly perceive the actual cognition underlying the verbalization
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partly i'm thinking that because of how clearly unnecessary the internal monologue is, partly because i trended a little in the schizophrenic direction as a teenager (i have a predisposition, my younger brother is diagnosed paranoid) and something about it reminds me of that
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i've worried from time to time that one day it'll sneak up and swallow me whole like happened to a family friend when i was a kid, but professionals seem to be of the opinion that if it were going to get me it would have by now. so that's nice to know
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fwiw i attribute my not going further into schizophrenia to what i think of as my reflex to ask "is this thought maybe a little self-serving?", what Scott Alexander calls the "revolutionary" here: https://www.lesswrong.com/posts/ZiQqsgGX6a42Sfpii/the-apologist-and-the-revolutionary … and Freud would have called part of the reality principle
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this also being what fucks up my life by rendering me incapable of diving into a cozy ingroup world-story and earning an endless stream of brownie points by rah-rahing it, so, y'know, caveat cogitator
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don't you go trying to catch me knowing things
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Our thoughts start off like that and become internalized as we get older. Which doesn't mean it's not ofc
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If you’re not familiar with this book already... well, you maybe shouldn’t read it
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My understanding is that there's fruitful research into understanding schizophrenia as a timing disorder--that something is processing the output of all your various mental subroutines out of sequence which makes them seem like voices/sensations from nowhere.
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I mean this is basically how it works phenomenologically yes
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