And yes to some extent I am bragging about the varied social circles I have drifted into despite being a complete unknown (only had my picture in the paper of record once), but it's not inaccurate and I do find some of my identity in being able to chameleon enough to get by.
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In an intellectual sense, all of this is valuable, as I eventually make some use of all the information coming in -- and often share useful bits of it with people in another circle -- but in a social sense I am a dead end because I'm not a conduit.
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And I think I have to change that. Although I have a family, and a few friends, and some modest work skills, and survival skills, I don't have a tribe. I remember the website of that name. I found the idea gross and pathetic. This or that interest or belief does not define me!
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I am not a number and all that. I've mentioned it before but the most GenX thing I ever did was refuse to fully belong to any movement or hobby or fandom after the age of 18 or so. I ran through tabletop RPGs, my favorite 8-bit computer, a British sci-fi series, Westernized Zen,
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...Objectionableism, and then gradually got involved in three academic-adjacent fields and then focused on one for a long time, but it was a big enough field that despite hur hur in-jokes and all, it was far from being a niche where we all knew each other.
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To be fair to my past self, I wasn't leaving these groups because I was too cool but because I was disappointed with what I found there or became more interested in new stuff. But at the same time I did have a conscious aversion to being defined simply.
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And that is the big joke on me: I didn't want to be typical of my generation, a dropout, a washout, a flannel-wearing, zine-reading, clove-smoking etc. Yet by guarding my sense of independence so jealously I became as ineffectual as them, because I didn't tie myself to any group.
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Replying to @systemergent
nah man my relationship to the kind of guy there where you look at him and know he owns Radiohead's full discography is that i accidentally sneezed on one once and have never managed to feel bad about it
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Replying to @chaosprime @systemergent
it was kinda amazing, i was walking in the west village and had to sneeze so i did the kind of half-dracula thing trying to direct the sneeze down and to the side in a prosocial fashion, but this guy was just then rolling up behind me trying to pass me so it went right on his arm
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and the "really?" that came out of his thick black frame glasses wearing face filled my heart with a glee that has not actually ever left it i don't think
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Replying to @chaosprime @systemergent
it's really a gift from life to do something by pure accident that you never would have had the balls to do intentionally if it had even occurred to you but just feels so right
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