Caroline RothsteinVerified account

Got home yesterday. Went to urgent care. I have bronchitis & pneumonia & was, apparently, very close to having to get my right lung tapped. I knew things weren't great when the Xray technician treated me like Gumby to get a better look at that right lung. He had a serious face.

He didn't bother to make me feel safe. "You're very lucky." he said. An ICU nurse also said this. A lot. Last night I heard "for your age" and "you got lucky" more times than I'd like to admit. Stern faces across the board. Deep eye contact followed by, "TAKE. IT. EASY."

At my first panel, someone asked advice for running a POC-centered space. I replied, "Don't suffer." That's a thing I learned: me + sleep debt + physical exhaustion = suffering. I told a room of people not to do it, not even in the name of love, then...I did just that.

Understand, too, I spent, TOPS, 3 hours in that convention center. I bought a few books, sat down, sometimes on the floor & got up only when I could move a few steps. I did the very least. But I also am 43. My body isn't always mine. I've been prescribed tons of meds + bedrest.

Also, due to my age, I am expected to still move around to avoid blood clots. An ICU nurse said, "You are fucking lucky you didn't go into ARDS!" and then, also, "You need to swivel your ankles since you're at high risk for DVT." SO MANY ACRONYMS!

Never have I endured so many triggers at once. The bronchitis-pneumonia cocktail left me with close to zero bodily autonomy. I don't want this to happen to anyone else, but I especially don't want this to happen to any SA or DV survivors.

Triggers can exacerbate an illness, but illness can also exacerbate triggers. I was on a full PTSD merry-go-round & didn't know it.

If your body craves a thing, GIVE IT THAT THING. Every morning I wanted only these two things: water & a banana. For some ungodly reason, our hotel didn't have any, no stores near us had any, NO BANANAS ANYWHERE folks. It was bizarre. Due to my eating disorder, I am a picky eater