I wrote a dear friend a thank you note for having taken me to see Penny Arcade’s latest one-woman play at @stannswarehouse earlier that weekend or week, whilst listening to jazz, and crying, and realizing this:
My greatest love affair in this life will be with my art.
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I told the student I’ve known my entire life. I’ve been making art since I was a kid. Writing stories. Crafting books. Making poems. Choreographing dances. Penning lyrics. Making up songs. There was never anything else I wanted or was going to do.
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Now how this has all unfolded has been wildly different than I could have ever imagined or envisioned or thought. But the essence of it all, knowing I needed to spend my entire life writing and performing and making art: I’ve known this all along. And when I don’t, my life hurts.
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So that epiphany, that my greatest love affair—no matter how many actual human partners or lovers I ever love—will be with my art, rings especially true today.
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For weeks, I’ve been having what I am calling an “existential moment” around a series of projects that are all part of a particular writing modality. All things related to these projects and this modality have eaten me alive, many, many times.
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This current bout of an “existential moment” regarding said modality has been going on for a few weeks, and arguably came to a head—or a throat—this morning. I cried so hard that my voice hurt, as if I had been silencing myself and am only now allowing myself to speak.
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And as I finally got myself to the Q train to head to
@ParagraphNY for the day to do a little work, I remembered my love affair epiphany. And then realized that this morning’s weeping was like when you realize this one lover has been your proper lover all along.Show this thread -
I have a lot of content. I’ve been hoarding content for years. But these projects and manuscripts and poems and plays only want to be seen as their whole, holy selves. And when I ignore them, they work hard to remind me that that isn’t how best to show my love.
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