274. I can’t tell you if this is the end or just another step on the journey. My wife’s relationship to cancer is the scene in Jaws where the shark comes up on the deck and tries to eat Quint, and Quint goes down kicking and hacking it with a machete. It’s astounding to see.
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275. From the very beginning Nancy told me “if I die of this, don’t you dare say that I lost my battle with cancer,“ but I really don’t know how else to describe what I’m seeing.
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276. Hospice day 3. Nancy is in a lot of pain & having more mobility issues. Also some heavy coughing. Morphine allows for some rest, oxygen some energy. Only one visitor allowed per day & you can’t leave the room. Am sleeping on a collapsible chair on the floor beside the bed.
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277. Continuing the hand portraits in this thread.pic.twitter.com/7AfPiSGoq4
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278. At Nancy‘s request, today’s movie was Parting Glances, which made a sudden indie film sensation of Mr. Steve Buscemi.pic.twitter.com/CEjuSH2V84
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279. Hospice day 4. Nancy is in further decline, sleeping longer periods & enduring greater pain when awake. There’s also a rattling cough. Doctor is calling for a pain patch. I’m remaining compassionate yet also consciously detaching because it’s too much to process unfiltered.
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280. I was reminded of an exchange we had a few weeks back. I told her I believed there was a world beyond what we could sense. “Maybe you can be with your sister again,“ I told her. “You know I don’t believe in that shit,“ she said. 1/2
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281. But later in the day she had changed her tune. “If there is an afterlife, you better believe Jen and I are going to compare notes,“ she teased. “also, be ready, cause I’m gonna haunt the shit out of you.“ 2/2
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282. Nancy is sleeping right now, and I’m waiting to talk to the doctor about next steps, whatever those are. Before she went back to sleep she was talking about how “I thought we solved all of this at the zoo. I think we can find the answer at the zoo.”
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283. “She died of cancer.” That’s what Nancy wanted me to say. And that’s what happened at 5:53 PM on April 27. Nancy’s sister Jennifer, my first wife, died 14 yrs ago at 6:01 PM on April 27. Nancy began declining meals and pills shortly after midnight after learning the date. 1/
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Oh, Matt. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. My deepest condolences to you and your family, and my enduring admiration to Nancy, for doing so much for young trans people. Her spirit endures in her acts of love.
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