A little story about an innocuous nothing that happened when I was walking back to my place from the BART station after work today, the sort of thing that happens every day, sometimes multiple times a day: (1/9)
-
Show this thread
-
A woman and two young boys were walking down the path maybe 15 feet ahead of me, just back from a trip, each rolling a piece of luggage behind them. Then they stopped moving, one of the boys was struggling a bit with the luggage. Unseen by them, I stopped, too.
1 reply 0 retweets 5 likesShow this thread -
I stopped because continuing would have meant walking right through their midst; the path wasn't wide enough for me to pass a few feet on either side of them. And because I'm visibly trans, I sometimes get tense about getting too close to parents and young children.
2 replies 0 retweets 5 likesShow this thread -
Tense because I worry that the parent might be transphobic, tense because I worry that a child might ask the parent a question about me that the parent finds awkward or uncomfortable. So I just waited a good thirty seconds or so for them to sort things out and keep moving.
1 reply 0 retweets 5 likesShow this thread -
Yes, I know intellectually that any problems they have with me are 100% their problem. But it doesn't stop the knot of discomfort and guilt from happening in my stomach on those occasions when I can tell I am making someone uncomfortable just by existing.
1 reply 0 retweets 9 likesShow this thread -
And sometimes I just stop and think about how much this affects me, every day, all the time, this adaptation I've made to my circumstances, this way of moving through the world, sometimes carrying myself as if I barely deserve to exist.
1 reply 0 retweets 9 likesShow this thread -
It's an adaptation I've made out of fear; fear of the possibility of encountering a situation that makes me feel intense discomfort and something akin to shame, but the adaptation is itself not unlike living with shame.
1 reply 0 retweets 8 likesShow this thread -
And while I only go to such lengths to be evasive with complete strangers (who are, of course, all around us all the time), obviously I'm significantly guarded in all sorts of situations. This is how I move through the world. This is how I exist.
1 reply 0 retweets 8 likesShow this thread -
And the truth is that I'm much much better now than I was. But still, it is a near-constant component of my life. And that's a shame. That's all. Thanks for reading.
5 replies 0 retweets 23 likesShow this thread -
Replying to @carolynmichelle
Thank you for sharing! I've been enjoying hearing your perspectives so much on the FreqShow! Keep being you!
1 reply 0 retweets 2 likes
Aww, thank so much for listening! 
Loading seems to be taking a while.
Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.