Caroline Hylton

@carerowline

Rather inclined to giggle; doesn't put things away. Chicago expat living in Los Angeles. Writer, comedian. Swears. A lot.

Joined May 2009
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  1. Retweeted
    7 Nov 2020

    I FIND THIS A VOTE AGAINST FAT GINGER 16TH CENTURY-STYLE TYRANNY AND I WILL BE EATING CAKE & SCREAMING INTO PILLOWS FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE

    14 replies 77 retweets 580 likes
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  2. Retweeted
    7 Nov 2020

    Wait when do we start collecting their guns?

    1 reply 2 retweets 7 likes
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  3. 7 Nov 2020

    It's been 100 years since the hard-won 19th Amendment was ratified. It seems symmetrically poetic that 2020 has delivered us, after a long rough road, the first female Vice President. 2020, you did your best but ultimately you've lost.

    2 likes
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  4. 4 Nov 2020

    I woke up worried the day was going to end with me, crying into a big glass of vodka and watching old "West Wing" episodes for comfort. But between the incoming results and the unflagging , I'm feeling cautiously optimistic.

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  5. Retweeted
    4 Nov 2017

    Attack of the Killer Donuts Rolls into Town on November 17th via

    1 retweet 4 likes
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  6. 18 Apr 2017

    : The cat waits for lunchtime to release his smelliest turds. Lean Cuisine ruined.

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  7. 18 Apr 2017

    : who stole my lunch out of the fridge? Boyfriend has opposable thumbs but the cat looks awful smug.

    2 likes
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  8. 18 Apr 2017

    Paid off my car this month! I now own a 7 year-old vehicle with a broken taillight and a faulty oil pump I can't afford to fix.

    2 likes
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  9. 18 Apr 2017

    Going through a breakup and having a baby are the same in that I'll listen/look at pics twice and then I never want to hear about it again.

    1 reply 1 like
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  10. 2 Apr 2017

    On emergency contact info for new job, under "relationship" for my bf, I wrote: 'he needs to put a ring on it." No one reads those things.

    5 likes
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  11. 8 Jul 2016

    My last day on ended with a beautiful card from my coworkers and a bottle of gin from my boss.

    7 likes
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  12. 3 Jun 2016

    Our dog with our foster kitten. Too much cute!

    1 reply 7 likes
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  13. 27 May 2016

    Hummingbirds are asshole birds with swords for noses.

    1 reply 1 like
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  14. Retweeted
    27 May 2016

    Trump "just kidding" about a Bernie debate is on par with saying "meet me outside after school" but then having his mom pick him up.

    14 replies 575 retweets 1,016 likes
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  15. 21 Mar 2016

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  16. 21 Mar 2016

    I finally mailed out my Christmas thank you cards today. Clearly world domination is next. Or maybe laundry.

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  17. 20 Mar 2016

    First day of shooting for tomorrow! Sending good vibes to Vancouver!

    1 reply 7 likes
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  18. 20 Mar 2016

    I love it when the dog flops down next to me and heaves a deep sigh, like she's been working in a coal mine all day.

    1 reply 4 likes
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  19. 17 Mar 2016

    My mom started using emoticons when she texts. No idea what a dolphin, french fries and a handbag means but I guess she's having a good day.

    5 likes
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  20. 26 Apr 2015

    Since & can't figure their shit out, my TV has been frozen on for 10 minutes now.

    2 likes
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