Guess what Roy Moore?
I’m still gaaaaaaaaaay. I’m gay.
And I’m not in prison cuz being gay isn’t illegal. In fact, you lost on my WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Hahahahahahahahah
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Cameron Esposito
@cameronesposito
too earnest for twitter
Cameron Esposito’s Tweets
Just a reminder to "why not come forward sooner" folks:
60 women came forward about Cosby
he was not convicted
Not a day passes w/o remembering
Tori Spelling wrote a memoir
called Stori Telling.
Thrilled to report 16k ppl went to see Tr*mp in Tulsa
And i have hosted a queer rights music festival in Utah attended by 30k
Do u know how badly u have to be doing as POTUS to underdraw a queer rights music festival in Utah??
Normalize laughing directly into the face of a grown man who says he “dated” a 17yr old
Just wanna be really fucking clear that being gay has nothing to do w/ going after underage folks
build 👏 the 👏 wall
build 👏 3 👏 more 👏 walls
add 👏 a 👏 roof
look, it's a planned parenthood 😎
Since zero women & zero people of color weighed in on US constitution when it was written, I assume it may occasionally need a few updates.
at a Walgreen’s
Man: “aren’t u supposed to be playing soccer?”
Me: “...”
Man: “you look like that World Cup player.”
Me: “no I don’t; we’re just both lesbians.”
Reader, I also do not look like Ellen, Tegan, Tig or Sara. I *will* accept Matt Smith.
Imagine if u were so awful ur worst threat was ur participation in a thing
Quote Tweet
If the left is so "outraged" about Ivanka sitting in for a few minutes, maybe they'd be happier if I sub in for a while??? LMK 
#MAGA twitter.com/twitchyteam/st
#MAGA twitter.com/twitchyteam/stNot to blow up anybody's spot but $400k is ~ what Larry the Cable Guy charges for an appearance & he's not the 1st black president.
just had a convo my mom about they pronouns & she said
“one positive thing about having kids who keep moving forward is I don't get old & out of touch."
This is a very good take.
There’s no reason a man saying “i didn’t rape her” is more credible than a woman saying “he raped me”
Except we put greater value on male lives and futures
And there u go: patriarchy defined
Left my show last night at 12AM
Drunk dude w/ buddies blocked the sidewalk, starting humping the air in front of me, wouldn’t move
I had to *run* away
Just headlined a wknd, felt powerful & then immediately like 0
Being a woman is scary all the time
Our neighbors’ two Joseph nativity is up & I’m beaming 🎄👬
Queer Eye but w/ 5 queer women & nb hosts who replace all ur food w/ cashew milks & cheezes
shave one side of ur head
adopt several dogs for u
encourage u to go by ur initials
Happy Easter to socialist, brown-skinned Jesus, a friend to sex workers & the poor who fought tyranny in govt & hypocrisy in faith
i once needed an iv bc i refused to remove my jean jacket at a music festival & gave myself heat stroke
So yeah, being a lesbian is pretty fucking dangerous
Reminder: no trans person’s gender expression has ever hurt anyone in a bathroom or anywhere
Anti-trans measures cause violence, entrench patriarchy & pain
I am w/ my trans family members
ALWAYS.
getting behind the Parkland kids means u also gotta get behind BLM
U either want to reduce violence in this country or you don’t
#BlackLivesMatter
wore a rainbow lapel pin on a flight
A flight attendant eyed me. Then said ‘love ur pin’ EMPHATICALLY
i love family acknowledgment
When we see each other taking up space, being ourselves & go ‘YES’
Happy pride, Helen!! i see u, too.
Paul Ryan has used his wife’s inherited millions to bankroll a political career that targets women & the poor.
DID U HEAR WHAT I SAID
My dad called to tell me about this suburban Chicago family whose Pride flag was stolen & replaced w/ the American flag (aggressive & stressful) so the whole neighborhood put up Pride flags
“Beautiful! I teared up, Cameron!”
Love to my hometown & love to my dad
real quick.............the president is an actual rapist
This is relevant every day
In everything he says
Hello
Can we PLEASE TEACH MEN TO COPE W/ REJECTION it’s imperative
If ur a lesbian or a woman or both or neither & u shut trans women out of our community, ur not my family
If he discussed state affairs in front of waitstaff at Mar-a-Lago, don't we have a security issue brought on by a "private server?"
these two ppl will make a lot of great movies & i can’t wait to watch em
It is SUCH a bummer I’m not an Olympic figure skater
Don’t u wanna see a soft butch out there no makeup skating to Fast Car
NFL players are protesting black ppl being gunned down in the streets or killed in police custody
Mike Pence is protesting kneeling
Oh shit. Santa...
- loves animals
- keeps track of bad behavior
- is into baked goods
- wears boots
- keeps hair a natural, undyed white
- has a workshop
- is in a committed, seemingly endless relationship
Santa is a lesbian.
Internet: this is Katy, my girlfriend
Been keeping my private life private but she’s rad & i want u to know her
Anyone know how I can get these photos to James Cameron??
“Kids needs to be protected from queerness.”
No.
Queer kids need to be protected.
Oh I just realized I’m wearing the same outfit as Ellen
Last night, after yrs of strangers guessing our relationship, Rhea & I finally got “twin brothers.”
Only achievement left to unlock is father/son
“but why do we need to say black lives matter when all lives matter”
if ur a white person & u’ve sat in or used the bathroom in a Starbucks w/o paying raise ur hand ✋
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
One more time:
the President of the United States said the Vice President wants to hang all queer ppl
me, a devout Catholic leaving the church: patriarchy, colonialism & greed prop up this organization but I won’t. I am not a vessel. I am not a sin. Good day, Church!
me, seeing Met Gala lewks: im still very angry but i like these capes
seriously.
They cast a soft butch in leather jackets opposite a tough cop?!
i would have LOST IT watching this as a kid (or still now.) #brooklynk99
GIF
TODAY IS THE DAY I KISSED A WOMAN ON NETWORK TV
goodnight #Brooklyn99
GIF
Based on my feed, lesbians are the subculture least likely to wake up at 4AM for a royal wedding
I hope they keep adding women to the Star Wars universe until it’s just porgs & women.
So incredibly excited to tell u ROSA’S GOT A GIRLFRIEND & IT’S ME
The cast + crew at #brooklyn99 rule & is a dang hero.
My gf was experiencing chest pains & her doc suggested we go to Urgent Care
She was transferred to an ER via ambulance and I can’t be there bc she’s in the corona ward
This is a tough night
Pls keep some thoughts for Katy
“There are only two genders.”
Uh ok then riddle me this:
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY TYPES AND CUTS OF JEANS. I refuse to believe human beings are less inherently interesting than pants.
showed up wearing the same shirt as my friend’s dog
THAT is lesbianism
“That Globes look was DRAMA!”
Billy Porter: “hold my queer.”
Hi hi
Just popping in to say that I hate that "grab them by the pussy" didn't stop him
I think about it every day
homophobia is so weird
I know god didn’t send u to tell me my hair’s too short, Sharon
I’m certain a higher power is fine w/ me wearing pants, Gary
legally i should get to raise any kid whose parents were mad about today’s walkouts
My startup is called "Boyega"
It aims to replace coverage of that very bad bodega idea w/ photos of John Boyega looking cute
Sorry for the smooch photo but this is how u kiss in 2 ball caps:
one forward, one back
Outlets asking me & literally every other female comics to write about a dude showing ppl his penis:
WRITE ABOUT US INSTEAD
not sensationalized lists. articles. we’ve been here. write about us.
said to my dad “i love ur outfit & u look like a stuffed chick i once had”
When they got back home my mom sent me this
I just said to someone “im as sad as ive ever been & don’t know why”
And on the word “why” got my period
We have a lesbian Native American MMA fighter Congressperson!!!
HOORAY SHARICE
(she & i have similar arms)
so the NRA’s 5 million members are important voters to appease
& the 5 mill ppl Planned Parenthood treats yearly are monsters to ignore
got it got it GOT IT
A few weeks ago, Katy & i got married.
We were alone on the day (w/ friends & fam on zoom) so we took photos beforehand.
Ruby’s outfit was 💯
I teared up every time President Obama intentionally included queer folks when he spoke. And now Tr*mp jokes about our hanging.
What I miss most about Obama is the feeling that he was more qualified to be president than me
I miss that every day.
Today i realized i want a movie where two Armie Hammers make out w/ 2 Timotheé Chalamets
Women can u speak up but not be loud and I’d prefer a smile but be clear about whether ur flirting & cover ur bodies but show some skin
Protect urself but not from me I’m one of the good ones
Get a job & have my kids & stay young w/o Botox gross
Pls shut up. And speak up.
dear god
Pls let me remember that women may *want* to be hit on by men
So I can enjoy myself at this pool
And not yell LEAVE HER ALONE
like I’m the poolice
Here’s a fucked up dynamic we can all work to end:
Women are disposable
Men are forgivable
Rhea & i are separating to live individual lives for a time. We care very much about each other & that’s why we’re doing this. We’re gonna talk to our friends about it & be pretty private in public. Thanks for your kindness and understanding.
I was in high school when Columbine happened
We had an all school assembly, crisis counselors came in, I think we were sent home.
11 school shooting so far in 2018?
How the hell are high schoolers dealing with this
46yrs after Roe v Wade, women are
- 3x as likely to enroll in college (25% vs 72%)
- 2x as likely to be part of the paid labor force when we have young kids (37% vs 62%)
- 1000000x less likely to believe young boys or old men in red hats should make decisions about our bodies
There’s believing women and then there’s believing women matter.
We have a govt that does neither.
Chi Chia-Wei spent 5mos in prison after his '86 petition for marriage equality in Taiwan. He kept fighting
This week, after 30yrs, victory.
Fellow white women: if ur at a loss for what to do right now, work for racial justice
Our privilege props up the white dudes who don’t give a shit about us
Patriarchy requires our wanting to keep that privilege intact
No sex ed
No contraception
No abortion
No health care
No maternity leave
No child care
No social safety net
No options
Pro-life!
Dear young women:
Ur father doesn’t own ur sexuality
But ur daddy can if that’s something ur into
there is a moment every period where ur like “I’m done now”
And right after that u ruin all ur underwear
Tonight a human who went to my high school & got the same queer shame inducing education i did came to my show and said i helped them
IM SO HAPPY 🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀🚀
I just lost all my makeup*
*dropped my chapstick under some bleachers
“menstrual cramps are as painful as heart attacks”
Cool cool
id like a lil acknowledgement that I’ve been having a heart attack at work or school once a month for 26yrs
Here’s to Penny Marshall, who gave us one of THE great lesbian couples
im the happiest ive ever been
- AND -
i feel like a total failure
Yes! simultaneously!
"Dad, why weren't u at my birth?"
"I was helping a man who never spoke to me again yell at Boy Scouts."