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  1. Prikvačeni tweet

    Be Excellent To Each Other. Thanks for coming to my Bill&TED’s Talk.

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  2. Sending you all good vibes cause I am not religious so no prayers, and do not have a brain so thoughts are out also.

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  3. prije 3 sata

    What idiot named it a confessional instead of an admission booth

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  4. I am pretty positive that time travel would involve a lot more diarrhea than the movies let it on. Our gut flora just isn't prepared to handle other eras.

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  5. prije 31 minutu

    i just want to return to a simpler time when people numbered things that weren’t sequences for no god damned apparent reason

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  6. prije 1 sat

    [Outside the Hip Hop Club] Bouncer: no joeys Lil’ Kangaroo: [in fake mustache] Joey? My name is Skip

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  7. prije 1 sat

    Spent an hour making dinner including homemade enchilada sauce... ...and it tasted identical to hamburger helper. I quit.

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  8. prije 53 minute

    just threw out the expired milk without giving it a shot like some kind of millionaire

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  9. prije 1 sat

    [Outside the Hip Hop Club] Bouncer: no joeys Lil’ Kangaroo: [in fake mustache] good day my name is Skip

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  10. I drink so much Aussie wine, I’ve grown a yellow tail.

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  11. Vegemite implies that vegemay.

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  12. prije 19 sati

    [Lyin’ in a den in Bombay] I jub gop ba fum da dentiss

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  13. prije 18 sati

    I was researching my dream vacay to Australia during office hours and I got in trouble for looking at NSW pics

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  14. prije 20 sati

    Australia is just Old Zealand, right?

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  15. prije 4 sata

    Noah: *stopping in Australia* let’s leave the scary ones here Noah’s wife: even the kangaroos? Noah: *remembering them eating his parfait* yeah they’re super venomous

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  16. prije 4 sata

    My con artist toddler asked his grandma for a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. When she "reminded him" of his peanut allergy, he faked a dramatic sigh and said, "FINE, I guess I'll just have an all jelly sandwich!" I didn't say a word as she made it. He earned that jelly sandwich.

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  17. 2. velj

    A toddler’s sense of time is strange. Mine hasn’t eaten in “a year” But her birthday is in “a minute”

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  18. 2. velj

    [first day as a judge] Me: *bangs gavel* Gavel: *makes me a sandwich*

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  19. prije 5 sati

    Reloading a webpage you’re already on is so refreshing.

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  20. prije 5 sati

    There are people that don’t have an inner monologue, and all I can think is those lucky motherfuckers.

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  21. 8. lis 2019.

    Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you're reading this, I can't replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk--still echoing in my soul--serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

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