Went on a date with a girl once who accidentally texted me, minutes after I picked her up, "Help. Get me out of here."
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B Santa Maria
@briansantamaria
The Onion, Comedy Central, Imagineering | Ads: Disney, Apple, Best Buy | Awards: Peabody, Effie, MadCon | Founder: FidemFishers.com
B Santa Maria’s Tweets
That’s no balloon.
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Imagine being an insufferable asshole to the people who are medically treating your mother and thinking you’re Anne Frank
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Update: just shook hands with Security. I will NOT have to wear a mask. I did NOT comply and I left a note for the person in the clinic that called the Security Team on me…
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I’m more invested in Physical 100 than I’ve ever been in any workout.
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So I've watched this show twice and... they show you the murder in the first scene of the episode. There is literally no mystery.
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Tom Brady is taking the local sidelines job in Tampa?
Feel free to quote this tweet with my name and then your name.
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Twitter is not the worst social platform. LinkedIn is.
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My four year old has over 100 pairs of underwear and exactly two pairs of socks.
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When Frasier Crane first appeared on Cheers Kelsey Grammar was 28 years old, and nothing, NOTHING, that has happened in the past few years is as crazy as that.
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People feel way too comfortable saying nazi shit these days 🧵👇
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Just because you have a piece of paper saying that you’re an American doesn’t mean that you have equal claim to this country as those who can trace their ancestry on this land back to before the government that gave you that paper.
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Still reeling over that guy who mispronounced Achilles and had his life ruined by Pat Sajak. I need his friends to let me know he's ok.
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LA Parent Etiquette Rule #72: When re-using a store bag to drop something off at another parent's house, always use the bag from the nicest store you have on hand.
Trader Joe's is the exception to this rule, and a Trader Joe's bag is always acceptable.
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This site in a nutshell.
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I didn’t even search “quack doctor,” just “doctor. These are the doctors she routinely cites.
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Burger King has only stayed in business with good marketing.
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I would just like everyone in the country to look at this chart and agree it represents a problem.
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This is incredible. A snap shot of objectivity.
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How much more respected is America around the world under Joe Biden?
This much.
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Anyone else unable to send to replies?
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Well Netflix is like 350 now so… they did want it at 175?
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Everyone wanted Tesla at $300, Netflix at $500, Microsoft at $300, and Bitcoin at $50,000
But they don’t want Tesla at $150, Netflix at $175, Microsoft at $200, and Bitcoin at $25,000
The psychology of investing is wild
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Only some wolves are hunters but they all defend the pack. So every wolf is dangerous.
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Like, yeah, some priests do nice things, but they ALL cloaked for the bad ones.
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What the Catholic Church is to child predation the cops are to lynching.
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If you’re defending police there’s something wrong with you. The default position is that they are violent and they are lying and if you are white knighting this mafia you have a mental block from reality.
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I just want to be famous enough that I can publish my memoirs... but not so famous that anyone buys them... but famous enough that an affiliated organization puts the overprints in free tote bags at the doors of their convention/event.
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lol did Kanye ever buy Parler?
They all thought we’d have died by now and so they have to count down to doomsday like my mom counted to three…. Two and HALF… two and THREE QUARTERSSSS
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“Unprecedented Danger”: Russia-Ukraine War Pushes Iconic Doomsday Clock Closest to Midnight Ever in its History.” thebulletin.org/2023/01/press-
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Name one thing that God cannot do?
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"I wonder how that would go"
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Some members of Congress are pushing to eliminate the debt ceiling
If Visa and American Express got rid of all spending limits for customers, I wonder how that would go
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🚩 The Military
🚩 Street Plows
🚩 Yellowstone
🇺🇸 Cornhole
🇺🇸 Hobby Lobby
🇺🇸 I don't know, the frisbee?
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Drop a 
if you love America but hate our Government
if you love America but hate our GovernmentShow this thread
"...just joshin' ya"
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What are examples in any form of media where a "brilliant song/painting/play/etc" within the story is actually as good as the characters act like it is?
Note: NOT the same as just "I liked it". It needs to actually fully match its fictional reputationShow this thread
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I haven’t had an idea since college
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I have forgotten all the good shows. Was any of it real? Were there ever really any good shows at all?
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I just decided LL Bean is cool. Please RT.
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Differences Between Reported COVID-19 Deaths and Estimated Excess Deaths in Counties Across the United States, March 2020 to February 2022. 1/
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RIP my mentions after I defended the Wheel of Fortune dude who lost thousands and thousands of dollars after mispronouncing Achilles.
With all the bigotry and hate in this world, there's no one we hate more than people who just aren't that smart.
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