physically sick from worry. And not simply because I didn't want to be a pregnant teen, bit because I couldn't remember.
Then there's travel. Cripes. I have to arrive 3 hours early to an airport. I used to have panic attacks getting on and off trains. I'd work it up in my
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head as what if I forgot my wallet? I'd be stranded, so I'd need time to course correct.
And what does this manifest as? There's the list of lists. There's being seen externally as someone that's got their s&it together and always so well planned. And I am. Because my
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whole life I've been afraid of "what if this goes awry?"
It's like living at the top of a house of cards, trying to hold it all together, knowing that one strong gust, and you'll spiral. Knowing this is all related to ADHD has been life-changing. It means I finally understand.
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I've got so many extra anecdotes. Like getting half way through unloading the dishwasher and forgetting. Burning brioche I've spent hours making as I forgot all about it in the oven. Discussing with my doctor if I have early onset memory loss.
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All the signs have been there all along. It's taken a lot of piecing together to see the full picture.
And now when things go awry, I can take a deep breath, say "it's just my ADHD to myself", and move the heck on.
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Also, couple that with my extensive use of social media. Think. Tweet. Forget. Repeat. Get the dopamine I need from here.
And my "oversharing" which I don't see as oversharing at all. I'm just honest about my experience in life and I'm beyond caring what others think.
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I got distracted by my cooking and forgot that I was mid writing this thread. That probably tells you all you really need to know 😅
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Oh the other thing is not retaining information about people I love to the moon and back. So often I've felt like a terrible human for being the walking epitome of "in one ear and out the other". It's not because I don't care either. I love and care for people passionately.
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My "hyper" side really comes out with my skin picking. Something I've had for a long time where if I have nothing to do I have to "do something". As well as having 222 projects on the go at any one time (that I nail btw).
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On a final note (maybe) - why has it taken so long to realise? It's no-ones fault. A high-achieving anxious little girl, that doesn't fit the "boisterous boy" stereotype of ADHD, lives a life being anxious, and depressed, constantly striving for perfect, inevitably falling short.
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Yeah! As a high achieving, anxious boy growing up, I also fell through the cracks. Learning about ADHD later in life has helped so much – lots of this thread feels familiar to me. 😅