Born Miserable

Might as well add “comedian” cuz you never retweet anyone.https://twitter.com/mecookiemonster/status/971066231552970758 …

Don’t be afraid to park out front. You two are married now.

him (a man of wealth and taste): please allow me to introduce myself. me (puzzled by the nature of his game): woo woo

Gave up my seat on the subway to a handicapped person but only because he was wearing patchouli and standing too close to me.

*Pizza shop* ME: I want it well done. COUNTER GUY: Everything we do is well done. ME: And give me extra sauce. COUNTER GUY: Everything we do is well done, you fat fuck.

Time for families of hate crime victims to bring civil suits against this President for inciting violence against their loved ones. Imminent lawless action isn’t protected speech under the 1st Amendment. Trump’s words have gotten American’s killed. He needs to be held responsible

Why is it so hard for people to accept that we can have different opinions and still get along?

game of thrones twitter too many characters

we are all just meat and calcium golems

[pulled over] Cop: do you have any drugs on you Bran, in my passenger seat: I’m going to go now

the modern version of my clubhouse doesn't let you in unless you know how to turn your car's lights off at night with it running

him: I think we should see other people me: is that on hulu or netflix

Boss: you get one floating holiday Hot air balloon operator: I WANT A REAL HOLIDAY

Excuse me but [grabs bullhorn] DID YOU GUYS KNOW AN ADULT FEMALE CHEETAH CAN MEOW JUST LIKE A HOUSE CAT

Someone messaged me and asked if I had won the lottery because I didn’t tweet yesterday. Listen, if I won the lottery I would literally do nothing but tweet all day.