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Well it sounds like half of LA is still up celebrating the fourth much like our founding fathers did, exploding things on cocaine
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Sometimes before a date I'll practice talking into a mirror so the people watching the TV show all about me will know that I'm nervous.
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Because sometimes the universe is super cool.



https://twitter.com/rheabutcher/status/748748087112323072 …
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In reply to Molly Tarlov
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@mollytarlov I love you my prettiest friend
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I'm listening to Madonna's "Bedtime Stories" and caramelizing onions for my houseguests, who wants to get married then instantly resent me
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It sucks that women get mad when strange men ask them to smile instead of just evolving poison spit glands like the dinosaur that ate Newman
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You know what they say about women with big hands: we get unreasonably upset when men look at our freakishly large, giant, awful hands.
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"There is no 'Kyle' in team." - pretty mean way to cut Kyle from junior varsity
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I have to say the best part about being over 30 is how short and easy hangovers get. Haha, kidding, it's 7PM and I'm actively hoping to die.
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I'm not confident in a lot of things but I bet I'm the youngest person on this plane listening to Bonnie Raitt.
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I missed writing crazy perverted things, so I wrote you a crazy perverted thing.https://www.gq.com/story/best-place-have-sex-in-water …
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If my bed had a phone I would never stop sexting it.
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"Cool tattoo, but aren't you worried it isn't going to age well?" - people who most likely got married when they were 26
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JUST LEAPT OVER TWO OBESE CORGIS LIKE AN OLYMPIC TRACK HURDLE WHILE JOGGING, SOMEBODY TRY TO FUCK UP MY DAY
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My horoscope said to "enjoy a bistro with a lover today." Horoscope, if I were fucking a guy who loved bistros would I be here reading you
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If you're supposed to dress for the job you want, well here I come, being a hesher's secret second girlfriend.
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My ceiling fan made my curtains flutter so I screamed and threw a pillow at them. Starting to worry I may not be secret female Jason Bourne.
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give this woman her own museumhttps://twitter.com/carrieffisher/status/744283475310710788 …
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Julieanne Smolinski



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