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  1. Jun 1

    i'm walking down broadway in a nightgown right now. i may look like i've escaped from a mental hospital but really i just got a spray tan.

  2. May 23

    my card is always declined at trader joe's but works fine at trader joe's wine. i call that a sign.

  3. May 23

    how i think my hair looks in the morning vs how it actually looks

  4. May 22

    pretty sure whaboom is latin for serial killer

  5. May 22

    Where's DeLuigi?

  6. May 22

    i used to have a piano teacher named dean and she talked to her cats sooo

  7. May 22

    are they ever going to explain what's wrong with the dog's leg though

  8. May 17

    i just installed an AC unit. in my WINDOW.

  9. May 12

    oversleeps 20 mins. is 5 mins late for work. wakes up on time. is 5 mins late for work. wakes up 20 mins early. is 5 mins late for work.

  10. May 8

    i don't know why my roommate and i feel such pride seeing broome street on svu, like "yeah the kidnapper lives on our block"

  11. Apr 30

    "well you just about need two crock-pots" -my grandmother, on making dinner for the family.

  12. Apr 30

    legitimately listening to my family justify the health benefits of chicken pot pie right now

  13. Apr 30

    "i get instagram" -my grandmother, the same way you'd say you get the washington post.

  14. Apr 29

    "it doesn't count if you're standing up" -my grandmother, on calories.

  15. Apr 29

    "Cracker Barrel paid for your first house" -my grandmother, on the importance of biscuits.

  16. Apr 29

    "it's just fruit" -my grandmother, on apple pie.

  17. Apr 28

    sitting next to a man wearing a trump pin and with skoal in his pocket. this plane is definitely going to tennessee.

  18. Apr 12

    where u get your hair done, tho?

  19. Mar 27
    Replying to

    that's also what i get for trying to be one of those people who buys groceries, what's wrong with takeout

  20. Mar 27
    Replying to

    hey if your ladies locker room smells like a boarding school compost bin it's my fault

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