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i'm walking down broadway in a nightgown right now. i may look like i've escaped from a mental hospital but really i just got a spray tan.
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my card is always declined at trader joe's but works fine at trader joe's wine. i call that a sign.
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how i think my hair looks in the morning vs how it actually lookspic.twitter.com/zdgRlad7zC
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pretty sure whaboom is latin for serial killer
#TheBachelorette
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Where's DeLuigi?
#TheBachelorette
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i used to have a piano teacher named dean and she talked to her cats sooo
#TheBachelorette
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are they ever going to explain what's wrong with the dog's leg though
#TheBachelorette
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oversleeps 20 mins. is 5 mins late for work. wakes up on time. is 5 mins late for work. wakes up 20 mins early. is 5 mins late for work.
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i don't know why my roommate and i feel such pride seeing broome street on svu, like "yeah the kidnapper lives on our block"
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"well you just about need two crock-pots" -my grandmother, on making dinner for the family.
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legitimately listening to my family justify the health benefits of chicken pot pie right now
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"i get instagram" -my grandmother, the same way you'd say you get the washington post.
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"it doesn't count if you're standing up" -my grandmother, on calories.
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"Cracker Barrel paid for your first house" -my grandmother, on the importance of biscuits.
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"it's just fruit" -my grandmother, on apple pie.
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sitting next to a man wearing a trump pin and with skoal in his pocket. this plane is definitely going to tennessee.
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that's also what i get for trying to be one of those people who buys groceries, what's wrong with takeout
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hey
@nysc if your ladies locker room smells like a boarding school compost bin it's my faultThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo
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