Ben DreyfussVerified account

People always think my jokes about my dog are serious but they're just jokes. The only true thing is that when we go out and strangers compliment her I do in fact whisper in her ear, "they're just teasing you. No one likes you but me—and no one else ever will."

The study, which premiered on the West End in 2011, received "generally favorable" reviews, with particular praise going to Carlyle's performance as "a working class bloke whose just had enough." The study ran for 37 performances.

This is a follow-up to their previous groundbreaking study "the effectiveness of doggy scared straight programs," in which the dog was seemingly adopted by a psychotic dog abuser (played by Trainspotting's Robert Carlyle) who psychologically tortured the dog for a weekend.

Studies show that the death penalty is not a meaningful criminal deterrent…in humans. But what dogs? Ben Dreyfuss & the Maldives University are proud to announce a groundbreaking new study: “Telling your dog you love them but if they misbehave you’ve put a bullet in their brain"

Someone I was dating a few years ago REALLY hated this and it led to lots of fights, but like the poem “The Snake” that Trump loves to read says “You knew who I was when you let me in"

If you send someone a text message they are fully within their god given rights to crop your identifying information out and tweet it as a prop for their own personal usage. At that point it has nothing to do with you. It’s about them.

“I thought we were friends till the end?” “This is the end"

People should be allowed to have kale if they want but they should just shut the fuck up about it or like go live in France or whatever

There are so many restaurants in Brooklyn that have only Kale Caesars and, like, who are you kidding? Get a life, hippie!

Liberals just lie about liking it because they don’t want to come off like backward hillbillies. It’s disgusting. It’s impossible to like. I’d rather live in a creek and huff glue than eat a kale Caesar.

One thing that you won’t read in the coastal liberal media but that flyover yokel conservatives actually are right about is that kale sucks.

7) I am willing to put up with some small physical abuse things if it is for a good reason, but I want a doctor present, nothing that leaves a scar, and I’d actually like to approve a list of potential punishments beforehand. 8) I will not be paying very much to be in this cult.

I can get down with so much cult shit but I’d have a few requirements to join 1) no branding 2) only consensual sex 3) no blackmail “collateral” stuff 4) I want a private room 5) I have some specifications about the furniture and bedding 6) I need at least 12hrs alone time a day

A lot of people didn't like succession until like the end of the first season but I loved it from the first scene with the family baseball game. It was so perfect. I was like "I am in love. Finally a show that gets me"

I love that @MagicJohnson is exactly as enthusiastic on Twitter as he was at the end of his first game when Kareem was like "calm down! We have 81 more games this season"