*father exits pet shop, covered in blood*
*tosses kid a 13 pound Sea Bass with the name Zed’s tattooed on it”
“Who is zed?”
“Zed’s dead”
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Ben Dreyfuss
@bendreyfuss
calm down
Ben Dreyfuss’s Tweets
Int Car
“happy to see you pop!”
“mI’m sorry we can’t do it more often. your mom and this Jew judge won’t stop beating my balls”
“Can we go to legoland?”
“Sure. I just gotta make one stop first*
*pulls into Perry’s Pet Paradise*
“You’re in charge of the tunes til I come back”
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“Is this more of a 311 call?”
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“Hello 911? My name is Henry I am the night manage are Perry’s Pet Paradise. I think someone might be putting gold fish in their bum in my restroom”
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Imagine going into a pet store and asking for gold fish.
“Do you want me to put them in a water-filled ziplock?”
“Nah that’s alright do you have a bathroom I could use?”
*salesman points*
“Thanks”
*you go into the bathroom, shut the door*
*a few seconds later*
“Whahoooo!”
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I like libertarianism intellectually but anyone who is invested in the capital L Libertarian Party is a glue huffing dendropheliac who shoves gold fish up their ass just to feel them wiggle and jiggle and tickle inside them.
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Turns out the Libertarian Party has gone through several cycles of perceived pragmatism vs. perceived purity over its half-century of existence. @brianmdoherty brings the oral history here: reason.com/2022/09/03/we-
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Someone is quite quitting
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"You’re getting drunk at a work conference? What a basic bitch move. Nothing screams “I hate myself and my pathetic life” like having an affair at a regional sales conference."
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There are so many smelly poor people in my timeline right now. Ick!
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“StandingRock6” lol
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Yeah glass eyes often do that lol
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Replying to @bendreyfuss
Big words for someone who looks in two different directions at once.
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This is the first Trump rally I’ve watched in a pretty long time and it seems…flatter? Like, the thrill is gone. I’m sure his fans are still enjoying this but the wild exciting atmosphere that even I could see a few years ago is lacking.
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Donald Trump says “MAGA may be the most important movement in the history of the world.”
I still am not even clear on what the “movement” wants? The right to sell overpriced ties and stoke culture wars?
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Everyone always has to amp up the badness. You’d think being Hitler was bad enough but now he’s a pedophile too
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I think it’s in Notting Hill when Hugh Grant is pretending to be an entertainment journalist interviewing a child star and he’s like “who was your favorite person to work with?” “DiCaprio” “Ah one of Italy’s most famous directors” “uh no, leo…the actor”
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Ok movie idea. it takes place in pre-Columbian America and one day this dude shows and the Indians don’t know him and his name is Leonardo DiCaprio and he only dates women in their early 20s.
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Her next point was “in reality I don’t think I would like an 18 year old because we’d be at very different places in our lives, but in the hypothetical you’re saying that isn’t an issue”
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And I laughed a bunch but honestly she had a point! If you both really like each other why wouldn’t you date? I have built into the scenario that despite your age gap you both like each other. So you do you!
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and I said “ok but I mean I know legally 18 but you wouldn’t want to date an 18 yo” and she said “you have said that in this hypothetical we both really like each other. So the answer is 18.”
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I once dated this chick who was a few years older than me and I used to tease her about being a cradle robber and one time I asked her “ok so what is too young to date? Like, let’s say you both really like each other but the person is just too young.” And she said “18”…
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This seems like one of those things where to complain about it you should really have “standing.” Like, if you dated Leonardo DiCaprio at 22 and you have hard feelings about it, fair enough, but the internet being the moral police of what two consenting adults do is ridiculous.
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I definitely agree that it would be very bad indeed if he were dating teenagers but he’s, you know, not doing that lol.
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How dare the movie star only date models in their early 20s! There must be something wrong in this sicko’s head!
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Because there is like no evidence that he is a predator? Lol
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An Orphan Has A Question For The New York Times. I Have An Answer., by
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It’s a huge insane amount of money but on the other hand the AppleTV+ film “Luck” cost $200 million and was watched by absolutely no one so you know maybe half a bill for a huge franchise isn’t so nuts
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(I don’t think you should count the $250M for the rights in this because that’s going to get spread out over a bunch of seasons)
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The per episode budget of Rings of Power is almost twice as much as the second most expensive television show (the most recent season of Stranger Things) distractify.com/p/rings-of-pow
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I mean 25 million viewers in one day (even if a lot of them turned it off after 5 minutes, which they probably didn’t bc it seems to have gotten pretty good reviews) is a lot!
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“Biggest Prime Video Premier Ever” doesn’t seem very impressive considering this is roughly 1,000 times more anticipated and expensive than anything they’ve ever done but 25 million viewers does sound pretty impressive!
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‘LOTR: The Rings Of Power’ Forges Biggest Premiere Ever For Amazon Prime Video deadline.com/2022/09/lord-o
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I know it’s unrelated to the grossness of the poop paper trash can but the fact that the ink on the sign is running isn’t helping my comfort level
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The trash can is filled with poo paper?
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The restroom in this diner has a deeply disturbing sign on the door.
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A huh
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“Please stop talking about the war”
“You started it!”
“No we didn’t”
“Yes you did you invaded Poland”
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FAWLTY TOWERS
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insane that late night TV was ever allowed to be this good
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My “you are in an abusive relationship. Leave” t-shirt is getting a lot of questions
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People are crazy
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