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KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
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"This isn't helpful at all" - Alien watching To Catch a Predator
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Watches romance flick backwards to see an insipid woman who lives solely for a man blossom into an individual with her own life
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LOOK AT ME, she screamed from a tiny corner on a speck of dust circling a small star, one of billions in a galaxy, one of billions in space.
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*lights dim in restaurant* DATE: did it just become sexier in here? ME: I CAN'T SEE MY MENU
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Do not hunker down like a youth camp counselor about to get real for a sec.pic.twitter.com/BamlruGVPR
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Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
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If you’re now afraid to even talk to women because of MeToo, then congratulations, you’ve correctly self-assessed that you have no gauge for appropriate behavior and that you need to stay away from other people until you figure that shit out.
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The old woman began a slow clap. "Bravo for once again not listening to me about the clams."pic.twitter.com/Ea7GU3ev0C
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"Can everyone just stop?" I plead. "Stop what?" they ask. I frantically gesture at everything.
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"Mom, I'm an adult. There's nothing left for you to show me." (*folds a fitted sheet*) "TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD"
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"I'm more night hamster than owl," I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
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HER: What's your cell plan? ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You? HER: ... ME: ... HER: ... V-Verizon.
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They say "you snooze, you lose," which means I start every morning failing multiple times in 9-minute intervals.
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I just wish experience could be gauged in a base unit other than rodeo attendance.
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MARY: Your welcome... JON: It's "you're" welcome. MARY: ...is overstayed.
Čini se da učitavanje traje već neko vrijeme.
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