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  1. Pinned Tweet
    Feb 1

    Pineapples: they digest you back!

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  2. 8 hours ago

    Go get a job, ya lazy freeloader.

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  3. 9 hours ago

    A vampire who enthralls her victims to expose their necks so she can make farty noise raspberries there.

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  4. Retweeted
    3 Jun 2019

    Sometimes I’m just all [rotted out scarecrow brought to life by the town outcast, prowling the streets, hungry for loose souls]

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  5. Retweeted

    Exorcist: I'm here to remove the demon that has possessed you Me: I didn't call you Demon: I did

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  6. Retweeted
    13 hours ago

    Tough-love kangaroos kicking out mature joeys by changing the pouch locks.

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  7. Retweeted

    I do not trust squirrels, with their sparkly eyes and luxurious tails what are they hiding

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  8. Retweeted
    Jan 29

    Yes, I would love to explain my feelings but first I have to run it through this Rube Goldberg machine

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  9. Retweeted

    y’all will believe anything about australia. you could ask what time it is here and i’d be like “three emus past the old billabong” and you’d be like ok sounds legit

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  10. 13 hours ago

    Tough-love kangaroos kicking out mature joeys by changing the pouch locks.

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  11. 17 hours ago
    Replying to

    Looking forward to another puppy bowl

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  12. Retweeted
    30 Nov 2017

    Up your game, SETI — I'm beyond ready to tap outta this shit carnival.

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  13. Retweeted
    Jan 21

    I’m sorry I shapeshifted into a hermit crab and scuttled quickly and quietly over to a corner when you asked how my weekend was, but why did you do that?

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  14. Retweeted
    Jan 29

    me trying to flirt in a loud bar: DO YOU THINK IT IS SAFE TO EAT LEFTOVERS AFTER 3 DAYS?

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  15. Retweeted
    Jan 31

    13 Facts That Prove The Creeping Chaos Nyarlothotep Is Secretly Destroying The Worlds' Governments From Within (Number 5 Will Obliterate Your Sanity)

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  16. Retweeted
    Jan 28

    [Coworkers get standup desks] “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? SITTING IS OUR ONLY PERK.”

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  17. Retweeted
    5 Jan 2018

    I won't get into the particulars of what was said or done or not said or not done, but just know that my skeleton is an asshole

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  18. Retweeted
    Jan 30

    antiques roadshow appraiser: this is absolutely and utterly worthless, trash of the lowest order. myself and all my colleagues are frankly insulted by you bringing it here today me: haha wow. wow i had no idea. thank you so much

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  19. Retweeted
    24 Aug 2016

    "I'd pick your brains if it weren't such slim pickings" - Zombie Oscar Wilde

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  20. Retweeted
    25 Oct 2018

    If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

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  21. Retweeted
    Jan 31

    Banker: You're sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works? Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

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