Banker in Bars

So jealous of the ab workout Maria gets from scrubbing my floors.

Now is when I poke my finger into your squishy area :)

Don't you EVER stop grinding that fresh pepper all up into my caesar, sexy waitress.

I need a girl who sings like #MileyCyrus (from the waist down).

Never try to outlast a Norwegian in a steam room, amateur steamers. Leave that to the pros.

If I were a writer I'd be like Jonathan Franzen, except a little better.

Are the cauliflower tacos vegan? They are? Wonderful! I'll have the prime rib.

Father always said, "Never accept an office without its own private bathroom. You aren't a peasant."

No sane man can outlast me in a steam room.

Bono must get a boner watching Bono.

Some playful sniper has been pointing one of those laser pointers at my dick for the last 3 hours. Gotta be a Guinness Record. Bravo.

Homeless people have complex relationships with public drinking fountains. #Her

Every seven minutes, one human being is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer :)

My gf is 4 #LouisVuitton bags away from having a perfect life.

My memory foam # is 69. Am I making myself clear?

What's your sign, and why?

There are 7 billion of us, but if we all shared, we could maybe get by with only 3.5 billion maids.

I have inner demons but an outie penis.

You know what? Being a white, American man in the prime of my life is pretty fucking awesome. #merrychristmas

I don't care what the critics say, Gravity sucks dick. And not in the cool way. #gravitymovie