DEAR SENTHURAN, THE DEATH OF VIVEK OJI, PET, FRESHWATER, CW: EVERYTHING (2022), YOU MADE A FOOL OF DEATH WITH YOUR BEAUTY (2022)
Turns out that the creative outlet I turn to as this world tightens around my throat is unfortunately not writing, but interior and landscape design.
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I think I'm only calling it unfortunate because capitalism, since writing pays my bills. It should be fine that what soothes doesn't also turn a profit.
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The terrible helplessness. The guilt from not being worse, more dead, all those old voices clamoring, who are you to deserve to be safe. Do you ever discount your own suffering because you feel you should be suffering more? Like your life only has value if abject.
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This is not an original feeling, someone or several people groomed this into being. Mortality has always been this cruel, this bloody, now it just pushes up against the eyes more. None of the beauty can make up for that. It's always been worthy of worlds of grief.
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Well, survive. Find beauty, make beauty, even if it is no kind of absolution. Float in the terrible helplessness. These aren't instructions, I'm just talking to myselves.
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Talked to a friend about this and she said, "Building your cocoon is one of the most important things you will ever do, so never feel bad about it." Whew.
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Oof that’s it, right there.
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