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Check out my web series that the
@SklarBrothers &@markschlereth are raving about! "HOWARD'S HOT ROOMMATE" @ http://meethoward.comThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Darn. I really thought I was a shoe-in for the Poop Emoji Role in the
#EmojiMovieThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Nothing is better than chatting/chuckling with co-workers and then realizing you had a mysterious brown substance on your front teeth.
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The whole dog on a plane thing is cute until it sharts on your peanuts.
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Hey, at least it wasn't 3 Doors Down singing the National Anthem.
#NBAFinals
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Game Show Idea: How long can I annoy my wife on the phone before she needs to hang up?
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In case you need more of a reason to be jealous of Colin Jost, he's now hooking up with Scarlett Johansson.
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I tried to send the Steve Harvey memo to my family and its not working. They keep on talking to me.
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Note to all Waiters: The sarcastic line of "I guess you really didn't like this" as you take away a finished plate is NOT working.
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Mom: Thank you for the flowers. Me: Are they nice? Mom: I can guarantee they're not worth the money.
#MothersDayThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Jonno Cohen Retweeted
Steve Harvey's staff when they see him in the hallwaypic.twitter.com/5dH2kEjCkR
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Bad move FOX canceling
@SonOfZorn. Such a funny and original show.Thanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
If
@TheOfficial_CT has a#dadbod then I have a#morbidlyobesebod#TheChallengeInvasionThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Jonno Cohen Retweeted
Congrats to CT and Joe Dirt on winning this season of The Challenge
#TheChallengeInvasionThanks. Twitter will use this to make your timeline better. Undo -
Hey MTV Movie Awards, might be helpful to make the show appealing to someone over the age of 13.
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I need to learn a British accent, just so I can get a part in an American movie.
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Just had to ask my wife how to spell my Mom's name correctly.
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My wife thinks it's better for our 8-month-old son to touch dog urine than paper receipts. Discuss.
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Don't mean to brag, but I'm really good looking as a caricature.
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