🆒

hey girl are you 10/11 because thats today wait shit

is slow motion to a snail just motion?

u think if a spider ever met an octopus he would jus be like "oh shit!!!"

yo honestly i feel like turtles are the stoners of the sea. like what do they even do all day

dad in line at the deli: "boy she sure is giving your burrito a hefty amount of veggies!" me: "she might as well give me the whole farm!"

i just went to whole foods and remembered how much i like making old white people laugh i miss folsom

tarzan soundtrack stay bein one of the hottest joints of all time phil collins u crazy for this one!!

she always tell me she look like poop maybe she don't know i love poop

if you use holy water to make lemonade is it holy lemonade?

yo the portion sizes on caprisuns are ridiculous. who are you trying to hydrate a mouse?

a random dog just ran into my house and at first i was like "wtf" but then i was just like"alright well, do you wanna watch tv or something"

i bet when obama leaves office hes gonna be hella sad like "goodbye white house. goodbye oval office. goodbye air force one. goodbye stove."

i got mad respect for the dude who invented those pool signs that say "welcome to our ool, notice there's no p in it lets keep it that way"

bruh how is everyone in Stranger Things so persistent, if i were there i wouldve been like fuck this shit im movin to LA

if rainbows appear after it rains and leprechauns hide their pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, doesnt that mean their gold is all wet

how does kesha even know how p diddy feels when he wakes up in the morning. what if hes sad

yo wsup guys im back on twitter for good. for any job recruiters seeing this i hope this shows i have a fun personality