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Artie Lange Retweeted
You cost me so much dough every year by you still being alive in death pool- you are now the new Keith Richards
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But if you’re reading this dude. Without guys like u I’d be in jail for 30 years easy for racketeering charges. So enjoy my hat. Just make sure u don’t speed in car ride home cuz I’m pretty sure I sewed an 8 ball in that hat Tuesday
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A 35 yr old hat sold during the most lopsided boring election ever. So here’s a more accurate account of my night honing my craft. In another in a long line of horrible business transactions I gave a drunk fan 125 dollars he gave me dandruff.pic.twitter.com/NWHpWS0XCY
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I buy a sweet wool hat for a C-note & Change Monday. do 15 min spot at cellar & walk off stage by a table with a guy yellin “Artie lets trade hats!!”The guys were nice fans of mine. Even tried a drunken “Artie” chant. Tried. So I give him my new hat. I get this hat! Next tweetpic.twitter.com/K5kDpvKu2N
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Artie Lange Retweeted
This Saturday night. Two shows in Yonkers.http://yonkerscomedyclub.laughstub.com/event.cfm?cart&showTimingID=520614 …
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I hope all 7 girlfriends (I counted in my head. 7) who in the week before they left me said this verbatim ““Artie My mom always dreamed I’d marry a man w a working septum” see this pic & cry from guilt. Why? Never telling me I hid heroin in my Giants wool hat during a blackoutpic.twitter.com/HXR2I8NIyJ
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Since my 1 friend u see here is from the Pittsburgh I apparently spent at least 4 seconds of that year having rubberless sex with a fat chick in Pittsburgh. Fuckin Steeler fans can party. What a life?pic.twitter.com/hhCzhCtHc0
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I pitched a sitcom to Networks for 2 months. Took two weeks to finalize a deal w FOX 750k . First check 275gs. Made 50k for Dirty Work. 150k madtv. 15 dollars in jail laundry. 100 k Stand up paid off all family debt got mom off welfare so she went back to white guys...annnndpic.twitter.com/1Kdt71DCwu
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24 yrs in comedy this is my 1 friend. He’s 22 The year he was born I was on Madtv for 2 months. LA County jail for 2 months. Almost married twice. One time she left cause I was a cokehead. The 2nd time I left cause I got paroled and he didn’t. Filmed Dirty Work for 2 monthspic.twitter.com/SstUDDeRAd
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If I had to guess I’d say roughly 450 woman enjoyed this view while having an orgasm.pic.twitter.com/U2LwGinfR3
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600 grand a year. You hookers heard me.https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2LB8F2Bxxz4 …
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Before both men gave up on their unrealistic dream of owning a Landscaping business with s bowling team of mostly white men Steve took Artie’s comedy course (Currently one lawsuit behind Trump Academy on the list of Any organization in History who’ve been sued) see next tweetpic.twitter.com/yamgT33WdW
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The parents of Steve are proud to announce the engagement of their huge son to Artie Lange. Steve an unemployed loner hopes to follow into his dads footsteps by having sex with anyone who isn’t his mom. Artie is 51 & done. He prays his outside will soon match his inside by dyingpic.twitter.com/pni0wRCm1H
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If he liked the first Glimpse into the Future he’s gonna love my next one. It’s a week from now when that bozo calls that number and finds out it’s my Mexican maids cellphone. Hahahahahahahahahahahah
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When that dying man said he thought talking to me in the phone would be his dying wish I gave him my number. He left weeping and said he would call me Next week right before he goes into Hospice to die pain free. I said “Can’t wait”
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The next time I’m on line @ The wax center an old man dying slowly from ALS lets me cut him cause he realizes unlike him I got shit to do says”Mr Lange I forgot I am dying once in the last year. It was while I was laughing at ur twitter bit “A Glimpse into the Future” That’s howpic.twitter.com/irzkWfqyjk
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This completes the first episode of my new Twitter bit “A Glimpse into the Future”. I have enough funds to produce 3 of these a year. If ur thinking God Artie how do u continue to put out amazing work for so little in return? For answer see next tweetpic.twitter.com/35gFliOZDv
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“Robert Deniros family reported him missing last week. They finally got some good news when a cellphone ping from underneath this woman was confirmed as hispic.twitter.com/L6Ergk3xfi
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“After losing any chance of receiving funds for his wall Trump calls a star of 600 pound life and offers her 135 dollars to stand as close as she can to México.”pic.twitter.com/qW6prAJNTv
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