That was the delusion that made Joe so unhappy, one that ironically he SHARED with his mother that was what made the conflict with her so painful The idea that a life of failed auditions and trying for a dream that never happens is a "wasted" life
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An audition is still a performance You get to go out there and you get to do the thing, even if it's just for a bored audience of one guy with a clipboard, or even if you get the gig and it turns out to be an audience of twenty drunk people in a basement
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The irony of the movie is that he gets in "the Zone" and has his moment of pure transcendence *during the audition* And when he gets the dream gig, and everything goes well and he hits every note and everyone congratulates him on how awesome he did, his feet stay firmly on earth
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(I have had exactly this experience Feeling a sudden lightning bolt go off just reading sides for an audition, getting cast, doing the show, being praised a lot for how well the show went, and yet never again feeling that connection with the same intensity as that first read)
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(I've had many more experiences having a really great audition and not getting the role, of course, and I'd like to say I'm a centered enough individual I can appreciate the joy of just getting to do the audition anyway I'm not, but it's a goal to aspire to)
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Hell The one moment that really, really got me in the epiphany montage was the slice of pecan pie The detail they put into that thing, the thickness and texture of it, your mouth watering as you see his fork dig into it anticipating that first bite
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And then you get that one cut to show the context (that thing our brains always do to ruin everything if you let them, give context) Alone, in a booth in a diner in the middle of the night, hunched over, face dull and blank
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You instantly know why he bought this piece of pie and what the overall situation is This is one of his endless cascade of rejections This is after he lost a gig he'd been really pinning his hopes on, and rather than go home he told himself he'd get some pie to "treat himself"
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To an outside observer viewing it with "context" it's sad as fuck, everything about the memory surrounding this piece of pie is pitiful and painful Joe, in the moment, clearly was not enjoying himself In his Hall of You this moment just got buried in the twenty years of failure
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And yet no matter how much your brain tries to hurt you, your body has a way of fighting back As 22 learned when she briefly inhabited it The real Joe obviously thinks of his relationship with food as weakness but 22 doesn't care because it all tastes so damn good
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However many years have passed since that audition, however much that lost gig has blurred into all the other memories of failures past, that piece of pie is still there The look of it, the smell, the taste more real than anything else from that day
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And think, if he'd never gone out for that audition and he'd never failed at it he'd never have bought himself that pie And maybe if he hadn't been hurting so bad and looking for something to take his mind off it he wouldn't have savored it so deeply, remembered every bite
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(One of the best meals I remember ever eating was a direct result of a frustrated, tearful "Fuck it, I drove all the way out to fucking Columbus, I'm getting something nice before I go back")
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Does the piece of pie actually "redeem" the years of failure? Is all that struggle and pain worth it for a slice of pie that cost like $4.59? I dunno The point seems to be that moments don't redeem or give context to or provide meaning for other moments They just happen
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A human perspective would say that the idea that treating yourself with a piece of pie makes up for years of humiliation is pathetic But the one night you get a standing ovation on opening night absolutely *should* redeem those years and saying it doesn't is ungrateful
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The problem is the soul doesn't get sparked according to the rules we set It follows its own rules The spark of that little self-indulgence that one lonely night kept Joe living The *lack* of any spark after his standing ovation almost made Joe give up on life
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So the point of the ending seems to me to be that it's okay whatever he does It's okay if he closes the door on the opportunity of a lifetime and gets the steady paycheck and the simple life It's also okay if he goes for it, fails, and stays a sad striver until the day he dies
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It's even okay if he goes for it *and gets it* and finds out even after all your dreams come true life is still the same bullshit it always was and even as a famous celebrity the stuff that's annoying and shitty about performing is still there and the void never really fills
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(Discovering that if you fundamentally weren't okay before, millions of dollars and a Grammy Award and crowds of shrieking fans will not make you okay is why we find so many famous people ODing in their bathtubs)
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Whichever path he takes, whatever his spark for the next ten years turns out to be, is fine As long as he's being kind to himself and the people around him Poor is okay, rich is okay, famous is okay, obscure is okay, loser is okay, winner is okay There'll always be more pie
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End of conversation
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