16) Don't you dare screenshot me on Twitter If you have something to say about me say it to my face, you cowardly motherfucker
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27) If your character is a shapeshifter whose clothes conveniently change with them when they go from human to animal form, and they then have sexual intercourse in animal form, thus technically fully clothed, you should be arrested and thrown in prison for corruption of minors
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28) If you are a television producer at NBC, and the writers of Mad About You write an episode that establishes that Kramer is canonically Paul's subletter, do not allow the Seinfeld writers to then establish that Mad About You is a fictional show in Seinfeld's universe
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29) While the use of periods is considered optional to end sentences on social media and texting, you will have a somewhat difficult time getting your manuscript read if you do not use periods in a work of fiction intended for professional consumption
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30) Having a sequel begin with the characters breaking the fourth wall and critiquing the original book they were introduced in is a time-honored storytelling technique A work of fiction that refuses to do so well be inevitably inferior
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31) You cannot go into writing sitcoms hoping to write Seinfeld. Seinfeld was already written once before, from 1989 to 1998, and if you try to do so again, you will be immediately sued for copyright infringement
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32) A good story is symmetrical, like a sandwich, with bread on top and bottom There is a reason sandwiches are the most popular food in every part of the world, and asymmetrical foods, such as pizza, are routinely folded over to make calzones
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33) When a reader sends a DM request, saying they just want to talk, why won't you just reply I mean, they said they just want to talk Are you afraid or something? You could just say no Come on, I know you're reading this What, are you gonna block me on this handle too
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34) If you want to write a character who dies of an aneurysm, a good time to do it is while they are flying a small plane, so they crash into the ocean and their body is never recovered This makes their death into a tantalizing unsolvable mystery, when otherwise it would not
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35) If a character is over six feet, six inches (200 cm) tall, they are too tall to ride the Top Thrill Dragster at Ohio's Cedar Point
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36) If your character has voluntarily ordered and consumed a Quarter Pounder at McDonald's on three or more separate occasions within the past 72 hours, they simply are not a vegetarian, however they choose to identify
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37) A character reflecting in solitude about their decisions that led them to this point as they slowly suffocate to death on Mars *is not* and *cannot be* a work of historical fiction, much less a 19th-century comedy of manners
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38) Slowly zooming out to reveal the your setting is a miniature town in a snow globe being stared at by a child in whose imagination the entire previous story took place, if that story included sexual themes, is pedophilia
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39) Your characters are your creation and you are wholly responsible for their actions. Any income they earn will have to be reported on your own tax returns and you cannot claim them as dependents, nor do they apply to the phase-out for the EITC
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40) If you have a character that biting and stinging insects seem to hate, especially disease-carrying mosquitoes, but that attracts pollinators such as honeybees, butterflies and moths, that character is a keeper and may qualify you for a deduction on your property tax
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41) If you have a writer on your staff who continually ignores good-faith fan feedback in favor of rooting around in trash cans and rinsing any food scraps they find under running water before eating them, this writer is probably a wild raccoon Call animal control immediately
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42) The easiest way to deal with upset readers, especially readers who contact you directly and refuse to leave you alone, is to send them $500 PayPal and Venmo usually work, but in some cases you may need to route a wire transfer or mail a paper check to a PO box
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44) How did the original one go all the way to ONE HUNDRED of these Fuck it I'm out
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End of conversation
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