Simple Writing Tips: A Thread
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7) When your protagonist reacts to someone dropping a silent-but-deadly fart wave in a tense public situation, it is unnecessary to have them verbally react Having them simply make an involuntary facial expression while remaining politely silent is much funnier
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8) When writing a character being "sucked into" a video game, having them literally be pulled through the screen is a visual metaphor that became outdated as soon as Captain N: the Game Master did it Do not insult your audience by pretending this is how it would happen
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9) If the only Jewish character in your work of fiction is Jewish by patrilineal descent, works in the hospitality industry and prominently uses an Android phone, you are a pedophile
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10) If the only acknowledgement of real-world electoral politics in your work of fiction is a joking reference to the Obama/Biden campaign slogan "Yes We Can!", and your story takes place in the United States without specifying which state or city, you are a pedophile
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11) If the only use of a real-life brand name in your work of fiction is the name of a brand of sneakers, and this name brand is used to characterize a teenage character as vain and obsessed with impractical consumer trends, you are a pedophile
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12) If the only character in your work of fiction who speaks French is a thinly-veiled parody of explorer and conservationist Jacques Cousteau, who exists to enable your side plot about searching for a cryptid in your setting's local body of water, you are a pedophile
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13) If the only character in your work of fiction who owns a pet owns a dog, and the dog is only mentioned once in passing and is never described in further detail nor does their dog ownership play any role in the story, you are a pedophile
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14) Disk defragmentation utilities, while they were once a key tool in improving performance in aging systems, became increasingly less important as file systems improved over time and for a modern SSD are irrelevant
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15) When writing an episode of Seinfeld that takes place entirely inside a parking garage, any punchline you have written for the end of the episode when they finally find their car and drive out of the parking spot will be less funny than the car simply failing to start
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16) Don't you dare screenshot me on Twitter If you have something to say about me say it to my face, you cowardly motherfucker
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17) Kenny Bania is just not a great character They don't know what the joke with him really is, and the core bit where he's too enthusiastic and in-your-face is done better by other characters Also I just don't really care for the actor
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18) When a character miraculously revives from death or near-death, their sudden inhalation of breath as they painfully jerk back into consciousness is spelled "Ahuuuoooahhh", not just "Huuuoooahhh" The leading A is necessary
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19) Don't fucking lock your account on Twitter then head over to your other account on Instagram or Facebook or whatever with screenshots to complain about the thread You think people can't tell you're doing that? You think we're not all on the same Internet? Listen you little f
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20) The letters q, x and z are well known for being uncommon in the English language If you go out of your way to use words that begin with these letters, your language will seem stilted and unnatural to the typical reader Try to keep use of these letters to a realistic level
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21) A carburetor and a fuel injection system are two completely different mechanisms for the same goal of creating a combustible fuel/air mixture A car's engine can only have one or the other Pick one when describing your protagonist's car, and for God's sake keep it consistent
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22) It is never necessary to write a character who is a natural redhead You can do so if you want, but be aware we will be checking your author photo for your own hair color, and we will know whether this is self-insertion or nonconsensually involving the reader in your fetish
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23) Characters who have graduated from college should not have living grandparents
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24) If your work of fiction is divided into chapters that have individual titles, the one titled "The Beginning of the End" should come BEFORE the one titled "The End of the Beginning" If you do it in the other order, you are a fascist Trump supporter
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25) The idea that you can only flip meat once when grilling and doing so more than once is somehow harmful is a superstition not based in science If you feel it's easier to judge the final temperature of a steak by flipping it multiple times, don't let anyone tell you not to
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26) A time machine or teleporter should either be an enclosed structure or have a distinctly visible dome-shaped field showing is exactly what is and isn't transported, rather than leaving it to the reader to assume such a dangerous technology operates heuristically
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27) If your character is a shapeshifter whose clothes conveniently change with them when they go from human to animal form, and they then have sexual intercourse in animal form, thus technically fully clothed, you should be arrested and thrown in prison for corruption of minors
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28) If you are a television producer at NBC, and the writers of Mad About You write an episode that establishes that Kramer is canonically Paul's subletter, do not allow the Seinfeld writers to then establish that Mad About You is a fictional show in Seinfeld's universe
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29) While the use of periods is considered optional to end sentences on social media and texting, you will have a somewhat difficult time getting your manuscript read if you do not use periods in a work of fiction intended for professional consumption
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30) Having a sequel begin with the characters breaking the fourth wall and critiquing the original book they were introduced in is a time-honored storytelling technique A work of fiction that refuses to do so well be inevitably inferior
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31) You cannot go into writing sitcoms hoping to write Seinfeld. Seinfeld was already written once before, from 1989 to 1998, and if you try to do so again, you will be immediately sued for copyright infringement
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32) A good story is symmetrical, like a sandwich, with bread on top and bottom There is a reason sandwiches are the most popular food in every part of the world, and asymmetrical foods, such as pizza, are routinely folded over to make calzones
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33) When a reader sends a DM request, saying they just want to talk, why won't you just reply I mean, they said they just want to talk Are you afraid or something? You could just say no Come on, I know you're reading this What, are you gonna block me on this handle too
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34) If you want to write a character who dies of an aneurysm, a good time to do it is while they are flying a small plane, so they crash into the ocean and their body is never recovered This makes their death into a tantalizing unsolvable mystery, when otherwise it would not
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35) If a character is over six feet, six inches (200 cm) tall, they are too tall to ride the Top Thrill Dragster at Ohio's Cedar Point
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36) If your character has voluntarily ordered and consumed a Quarter Pounder at McDonald's on three or more separate occasions within the past 72 hours, they simply are not a vegetarian, however they choose to identify
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