I did get roped into dancing with my date at one point I think it was pretty pathetic I'm sure I must have looked shaken, traumatized and miserable
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She definitely knew I was unhappy but like we never really talked about it She might have felt kind of guilty, like underneath all my teenage edge I was a pretty introverted and sensitive kid and this entire night had visibly freaked me the fuck out
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She wound up driving me home and honestly I never really talked to her again I think I was scared of her for the rest of her time at that school, I avoided eye contact with her, shit like that
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It was a really scary night. One of the scariest experiences of my childhood. I'm probably not even articulating it well from my perspective of it having been more than half my life ago
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And honestly that's the kind of fear that sticks with me, to this day The fear of things that look innocuous on the outside but gradually unfold their weirdness and their wrongness after you've opened yourself up to them
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The fear a bad breakup leaves you with This idea that you bared an immense amount of yourself to someone, thinking they were who you thought they were, and now you may well loathe this person, and you have to live with the knowledge you've shared so much with them
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The technological landscape really amplifies this kind of horror Anybody you befriend on the internet could be a catfish, any date you meet on OKCupid could be a rapist or a murderer, anything you download could be a rootkit or spyware Any lesbian in Damascus could be a hoax
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Anything you say to anyone can be screencapped for the world to see Anybody really fucked up on the inside can be masking it well enough that you never really see it until you've shown them your own sincerity The constant, vigilant, escalating anxiety of discovery
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And I think digital media really captures that anxiety more than anything Video games—especially indie video games or old-timey auteur video games—are a kind of personal expression, a piece of art you engage with You don't always know what kind of engagement that's gonna be
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This is why HOUSE OF LEAVES is one of my favorite books It's ekphrastic literature but it's rooted in a very technological sensibility You make an emotional investment in the novel but the novel quickly and rapidly transforms into something cryptic and eerie and hostile to you
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It was obvious to me that the real-life inspiration for the original paper version of Bandersnatch from the Black Mirror episode was House of Leaves
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