I mean, I always think about this when people get mad at "fauxpologies" Of course most apologies are fake because most apologies are coerced If we had a rule that you weren't allowed to dishonestly say you were sorry when you weren't, there'd be way fewer apologieshttps://twitter.com/Nash076/status/1229297333193469952 …
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Otherwise, if there's no middle ground between "You are right and I am wrong, name whatever terms you wish and I will comply" and "I am right and you are wrong, I don't give a shit how you feel and you can fuck off and die", expect to see the latter a lot more than the former
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I think the discourse on this has gotten more balanced since I started seeing "How to Apologize" stuff everywhere ten years ago, because people started noticing there are people who compulsively apologize for things that aren't their fault just like others never apologize
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And this is gendered behavior - women are socialized to apologize more than men - but it's also a learned behavior based on class, oppression, personal experiences of abuse
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I talk with my preteen son about this/something similar. He feels that if he didn’t mean to wrong someone, that he should not have to apologize, even if he did accidentally hurt/wrong someone, but especially if they misinterpreted his intent and he had no ill will.
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He feels an apology would be falsely admitting guilt when he feels he did nothing wrong. I’ve said he can say something like, “I had no intention of hurting you and I wish that this hadn’t happened/hadn’t caused you any pain.”
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Some people need to hear the words, “I’m sorry,” but even saying, “I’m sorry you’re hurting,” goes a long way and that’s different than, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” But you do have to be careful to be sure that the latter statement isn’t warranted.
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