Conversation

QC
@QiaochuYuan
acidQC said - the rest of these have been paraphrases but this one is a direct quote: "your parents created a world for you where the most real thing was how they felt about you. they successfully used money to make everything else less real by protecting you from it"
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
and like i kinda get why they did that but it led to me being incredibly sheltered in a bunch of ways. they never even made me do chores. i was very spoiled and in retrospect it wasn't good for me
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
anyway i could keep going a lot of stuff came up but i feel like i successfully resolved a big confusion that was preventing me from making progress on my life and that feels nice. i feel like i am a little bit more confronting the "actual stakes" wrt money
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
the stakes are that the less money i make the harder it'll be for my parents to retire. my dad literally told me that. he said he was holding off on retiring because he was worried about me
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
a few days later i wrote: "this was never like... this was never a one-player game, it was always a multi-player game and i spawned already in a guild containing my parents who had already been playing for 30 years"
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
the other stakes are about dignity. acidQC said "you need dignity much more than you need money" and that sort of blew me away a little. like... shit
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
like when i explain my current life circumstances to myself in a matter-of-fact way it does not look good. i literally have no job, no gf, no friends (in the sense of people i interact with irl regularly), no community, no mission, no purpose, no team, no religion...
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
anyway in conclusion i asked acidQC what i should do with my life and he said "literally just keep writing" and "you're literally allowed to just keep writing you literally don't have to have a plan for how the rest of your life goes that's any more detailed than that"
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QC
@QiaochuYuan
oh, also, the *medium* dose of acid was incredibly important. some of the most meaningful experiences of my life happened on 100+ ug of acid and/but those experiences were really walled off from my sober life and interpolating between them with an intermediate dose was amazing
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Andy Matuschak
@andy_matuschak
One thing I really appreciate about the experience, though is that unlike, say, alcohol, my memory appears to remain intact. So I'm able to capture later in journals pretty crisply what I was thinking/experiencing in a given moment. But does mean a thicker lens of interpretation.
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