I don't experience this feeling when I spend many days back-to-back in flow doing other work: developing an idea, writing, designing. I wonder if it's bc those activities are more creative, involve more reflective thought. Or maybe it's that I'm worse at them—so flow's less deep!
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Also, I haven't noticed this much until last year. Hypotheses: a) didn't happen before b/c I rarely stayed in flow for days at a time working on a team; b) I only notice it now b/c I've become more self aware; c) I only notice it now b/c I value insight more and execution less?
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I have had this experience, fwiw. More generally I’ve observed that my cognition has “modes” that can take 1-3 days to get into, and then 1-3 days to get out of. Chore mode, coding mode, writing mode, meditation mode, creativity mode, … I can’t do more than one of those things
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Yes, that resonates! I've noticed that "writing mode" and "creativity mode" don't diminish my sense of self nearly so strongly—curious whether that matches your experience?
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I’m not sure! Maybe you can describe “sense of self”? When I’m doing creative work, there is also a sense of immersion… but maybe myself is included in that in a way hacking excludes?
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I guess in routine programming—and probably for both of us all programming is routine—one is not adding anything of oneself, just figuring out what the tedious requirements of gluing together APIs demands; it’s all it-focussed
Whereas ->
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in creative work, even when you are immersed in it, there is a sense that at least the material is coming *through* you, rather than being “out there” in the IDE/server/API_doc
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and there’s some sense that, even when the material has a universal quality, so “I” am not creating it, nevertheless since it is coming “through” me, and so it’s going to be peculiar in a me-ish way without my intending that
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Yes, this really resonates. The experience of the material coming "through" me involves more reflective thought, emotional affect, connection to the world, etc, which I guess makes it feel less numbing.
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This resonates with me 1000%.
Coding creates a trance state that is seductive but sometimes sterile, bc the domain is often so narrow. The days are good but what kind of months do they add up to?
But I wonder if I feel this way only bc I’m a bit fixated on self-expression.
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Yes that’s definitely part of it for me!
One thing tho: the days are good; the months can feel empty... but then at the year-scale I’ll often feel quite satisfied because of what the coding enabled.
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This also shows how there’s a kind of “meaning gamble” that only pays off on a longer timescale. If things work you might feel, yes, a good use of a year. Or —😬— it might be like waking up from a drug addiction and wondering, what the hell happened?! Existentially risky business
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