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It's an odd feeling: flow is experientially satisfying, but the creeping self-abnegation is worrying. I also notice it takes quite a while to "reset" from this phase, to start hearing myself think again, to feel like less of an automaton.

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I don't experience this feeling when I spend many days back-to-back in flow doing other work: developing an idea, writing, designing. I wonder if it's bc those activities are more creative, involve more reflective thought. Or maybe it's that I'm worse at them—so flow's less deep!

Also, I haven't noticed this much until last year. Hypotheses: a) didn't happen before b/c I rarely stayed in flow for days at a time working on a team; b) I only notice it now b/c I've become more self aware; c) I only notice it now b/c I value insight more and execution less?

I have had this experience, fwiw. More generally I’ve observed that my cognition has “modes” that can take 1-3 days to get into, and then 1-3 days to get out of. Chore mode, coding mode, writing mode, meditation mode, creativity mode, … I can’t do more than one of those things

Yes, that resonates! I've noticed that "writing mode" and "creativity mode" don't diminish my sense of self nearly so strongly—curious whether that matches your experience?

I’m not sure! Maybe you can describe “sense of self”? When I’m doing creative work, there is also a sense of immersion… but maybe myself is included in that in a way hacking excludes?

I guess in routine programming—and probably for both of us all programming is routine—one is not adding anything of oneself, just figuring out what the tedious requirements of gluing together APIs demands; it’s all it-focussed Whereas ->

in creative work, even when you are immersed in it, there is a sense that at least the material is coming *through* you, rather than being “out there” in the IDE/server/API_doc

and there’s some sense that, even when the material has a universal quality, so “I” am not creating it, nevertheless since it is coming “through” me, and so it’s going to be peculiar in a me-ish way without my intending that

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3:13 AM · Oct 18, 2020Twitter Web App

Yes, this really resonates. The experience of the material coming "through" me involves more reflective thought, emotional affect, connection to the world, etc, which I guess makes it feel less numbing.

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Could it also be related to how coding is usually so esoteric that you can barely imagine explaining it to any “normal” person? Maybe that makes your normal social self step aside.

Mmm... I'd find it a lot easier to explain the coding I've been doing recently than to explain my creative work (that I've not been doing recently)

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This resonates with me 1000%. Coding creates a trance state that is seductive but sometimes sterile, bc the domain is often so narrow. The days are good but what kind of months do they add up to? But I wonder if I feel this way only bc I’m a bit fixated on self-expression.