Andrew KimmelVerified account

I’ve got some NEWS for you people about WHY your salads are dull and flavorless. Are you ready for some NEWS???

1. You’re forgetting to SEASON your ingredients, acting like the DRESSING is all that matters. Cucumbers and tomatoes need SALT and PEPPER. Avocados need CITRUS. Act as if you were going to eat each ingredient individually

You’re using BORING lettuces. MIX IT THE FUCK UP. Use some arugula, use field greens, use romaine hearts, use frisée. Mix all your greens together!

3. Don’t be afraid to use things with FLAVOR and SPICE! Have you ever heard of RADISHES? JALAPEÑOS? Add some damn SPICE in there!

4. HERBS! Why aren’t you using herbs? Use whatever herbs you can find! Parsley, cilantro, chervil, nasturtium, basil, and and all of it. STOP NOT USING HERBS

5. FETA CHEESE! What, you don’t like feta cheese? Do you not like FLAVOR? Get outta here with that nonsense. Don’t be putting cold flavorless shredded mozzarella like you’re a CoCo’s. Use flavorful cheese. At room temperature!

6. Let’s talk DRESSINGS. You need olive oil, you need vinegar (all types are fine), you need CITRUS, and you need an agent that will HOMOGENIZE THE REST! What do you think I’m going to say now!?

7. HORSERADISH. You don’t like horseradish? LEARN TO LIKE IT. You still don’t like it? MUSTARD. MINCED GARLIC. A LITTLE BIT OF HONEY. TABASCO! Who gives a shit. Try stuff. Add flavors. Try new things! Use THAI FISH SAUCE!