Andrew KimmelVerified account

American airports (99.9% of them) are the biggest pieces of shit out of nearly every country I’ve been to. Including the “shithole” ones. That’s a fact. #represent

Let’s talk about some of my personal fave features of American airports. And please feel free to add what I’ll surely be missing...

American airport bathroom stalls are smaller than the ones I had at my elementary school. The doors open inward instead of outward because... well fuck you! That’s why! We’re America dammit! And auto-flush doesn’t give a fuck if you’re still sitting or there’s a drought or whatev

Nothing says “Welcome to America” upon landing from an int’l flight and having to walk up and then down flights of stairs with luggage before reaching customs. Escalators?! You want convenience? Well fuck you! You better be sweating if you want to make it through @CBP.

Once you make it past the stair section, take a breath. Now walk UP a ramp at a 45 degree angle. Be sure to switch arms as to not dislocate your shoulder. The resistance carpet from the 1970’s is there to help provide a deeper burn. No pain no gain is what we say here!

Upon arriving to customs, led by the brilliant @CBP, be sure to show your US passport to an agent, who will still put you on the non-citizen line... a mistake that adds an additional hour to reaching the land of the free and home of the brave.

Whatever you do, don’t talk to @CBP agents. They are not there to assist you, only to shout and provide the illusion of order. And if you’re pissed that there are only 2 agents checking passports for 600 people, blame the libs.