Andrew Michael

Now that I’m a dad my set does better in the suburbs than it does downtown.

When I don’t advance in a comedy competition I wanna email the audience after to let them know I didn’t think they were that great either.

I’m so tired I could sleep with a horse.

“I missed Deadliest Catch for this?” Is something I say about anything I do besides watching Deadliest Catch cause it’s On Demand.

I really need a haircut but I’ve noticed my hair has started thinning so nows not the time to get greedy.

When my kid goes to bed I start a tweetin’

For $20 I’ll photoshop people into the seats of your comedy show photos.

I feel like rich people have ceiling fans that don’t shake.

If the next food trend isn’t artisan Ants On a Log then I’m just gonna have to do it myself.

I think if a pill from my pocket accidentally goes into the Coin Star when I’m cashing in change I should get at least 75% of the street value.

Can’t wait till my kid gets old enough where I can punish him in a clever way and make a viral video about it.

When I first met my wife I thought the Real Housewives franchise was absolutely ridiculous, cut to 6 years later here I am yelling at the TV.

Based on the amount of Harry Potter wands I see for sale on the Facebook marketplace I’d say don’t let your kids talk you into buying one at Universal Studios.

I’m more than just a dad bod, I’m also a dad personality.

Mister Noodle on Elmo’s World is played by the bad guy from Air Bud and we as a society are totally okay with this.

I still check Facebook marketplace in Greece to see if I can find who stole my backpack and wife’s wedding rings from our apartment in October.

I Did Fine: The Andrew Michael Story