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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    8. pro 2019.

    coworker: you’re 37? you look younger me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth coworker: ha ha *leaves* demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut demon: ooo get a maple bar

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  2. prije 3 sata

    me: i don’t wanna talk about it therapist: *hands me a quokka* tell him [quokka smiles up at me] me: *bawling* i’ve just been so sad lately what am i doing with my life i’m so alone therapist: feel better? me, hugging quokka: no

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 6 sati

    countries in emoji US: 🤠 UK: 🎩 France: 🥐 New Zealand: 🧙‍♂️ German: 🍻 China: 🍜 Australia: 🙃

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 10 sati

    [first day at marketing company] client: i need help naming my australian sheepskin boot company me: UGH client: yes i love it! me: *not listening* so many spiders there

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 23 sata

    Me: *dies and enters heaven* Steve Irwin: *jumping on an angel and grappling it onto its back* See how his wings are just flapping? That’s a good sign of a healthy temper.

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  6. prije 5 sati

    him: *grabs my butt* me: hey! say you’re sorry or- him: *laughing* or what tasmanian devil: *cracking knuckles* APOLOGIZE TO THE LADY him: *scared* im sorry don’t hurt me me: thanks tazzie tasmanian devil: *purrs*

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Hugh Jackman: *crying at his dining room table* Crikey! His Wife: What’s wrong? Hugh: *pawing at his food with his knuckles* It won’t work! It’s not cutting! His Wife: Hugh we’ve been over this. You don’t have your claws anymore, you need to use a fork and knife.

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  8. prije 10 sati

    [first day at marketing company] client: i need help naming my australian sheepskin boot company me: UGH client: yes i love it! me: *not listening* so many spiders there

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 11 sati

    Crocodile Dundee: you call that a knife? me: yes Dundee: what do you call this? me: a fork

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    my favorite part about being an adult is keeping a dress for 15 years just in case it ever fits again

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 24 sata

    me, the only one in spanish class who can’t roll his r’s:

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  12. 3. velj

    what if penises ejaculated baby nuts instead of semen

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj

    Yoda Groot 🤝 🤝 Baby 🤝 🤝 Spice Nut

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    friend: smell this me: [sniffing] omg that smells amazing what is it friend: cocaine

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    I say no worries but I be worrying

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    BIG GAME CHECKLIST: My TV? Huge✔️ My beer? Craft ✔️ My wings? Spicy✔️ My kids? Won’t speak to me✔️ My pigs? In blankets✔️ My team? Chiefs, baby!✔️ My marriage? Crumbling✔️ My dips? Assorted✔️ My loneliness? Profound✔️

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  17. 2. velj

    my favorite part about being an adult is keeping a dress for 15 years just in case it ever fits again

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    2. velj

    snake: eat the apple me: why snake: it will give you knowledge of good and evil me: *taking bite* is this locally sourced

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    googled gorilla dog and was not disappointed

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  20. 1. velj

    googled gorilla dog and was not disappointed

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    [about to do something dangerous] me: i’m a main character, i can’t die

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