By now almost everyone knows what happened. It was a terrifying Monday; we watched the news unfold thinking how easily it could have been any of us walking along that stretch of Yonge street on a sunny April afternoon. I dreaded the release of the victims’ names.
How did he get here? How did he end up with the intention to hurt and to take lives? How could he be capable of such an atrocious act? In his Facebook post, he identified himself as an “Incel” and named another man who had used a vehicle as an attack weapon with the same motive.
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Involuntary celibate, a group of men who are angry that women deny them their companionship. They feel entitled to having their needs and demands met, and they blame the society around them for their inability to fulfil their desires. So they seek revenge, particularly on women.
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Seems absurd, doesn’t it? How misogynistic does one have to be to believe that he is owed companionship from women? How misguided does one’s moral compass have to be to believe that taking violent revenge is the way to deal with rejection and carve out a place in society?
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The media reported on this online community, their motivations, their discussions and their ideology. At times, the reporting seemed to suggest that this was a new discovery and people didn’t know about this before. Maybe not by the “incel” name, but it’s nothing new to women.
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But that’s where it stopped. No one seemed to go further and ask how do we prevent this from happening again. And I don’t mean physically, by erecting barriers and guardrails between sidewalks and streets so another perpetrator can’t jump the curb. That’s a bandaid.
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How do we prevent another Alek from getting behind the wheel in the first place? How do we identify and prevent someone from adopting an ideology that is violent towards women in society? What can we do to prevent another attack like this from happening at the ideation level?
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Those are the questions I have been grappling with while coping with the pain from the senseless violence and the impact it’s had on people around me. Those are the questions we all need to think about, because at the end of the day, we are responsible for our society.
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It’s easy to relegate that responsibility and blame online communities of hateful men for inciting this violence, but it’s on us. We have created an environment where someone like Alek feels a greater sense of belonging and community among online extremists than those around him.
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We need to teach our boys to respect women as their equals, that they’re not entitled to women, and that they’re not owed anything. We need to create an environment where men can be vulnerable and emotional without being treated like sissies, so they don’t turn to violence.
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Men are far more likely to be violent than women, and their violence often affects women the most. I bet we will all struggle to name an attack where the perpetrator was a woman. Men’s mental health should be on all our agendas, because it affects us all.
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Maybe, 2 years ago, if Alek had found comfort in talking to a friend after he faced isolation and rejection, he wouldn’t have been behind the wheel that day. Don’t mistake this for sympathy for him. What he did was unforgivable and I hope he spends the rest of his days in jail.
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But I can’t help thinking it was preventable. I hope we all understand the impact we can have, and how a small gesture of kindness can go a long way. I hope this incident remains in our mind so we can remember our responsibility towards one another’s mental health.
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After the vigil ended on Sunday, I stopped by the memorial just south of Finch on Yonge street. There were hundreds of flowers, and on the sidewalk there were hearts and encouraging words written with chalk. I picked one up and added my message: Never again.
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End of conversation
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