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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    12. ruj 2017.

    so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    26. lis 2016.

    i hope the parallel universe versions of me are doing ok

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  3. 5. velj

    it would be called bachelors in business and if i can't get the reality version then give me the june diane raphael version and i will be on my way

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  4. 4. velj

    "my name is heather, i'm 38, i have a phd in mathematics and management science, and what i'm really looking forward to in my date tonight with wallace is him just dropping dead into his soup so i can become majority shareholder and increase ROI percentage by next quarter."

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  5. 4. velj

    there can still be hot tub drama

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  6. 4. velj

    the bachelor but all the women are competing to take over a dying old man's successful business

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  7. 4. velj

    wish more websites had the balls tbh

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj

    It’s wild that you can just do anything. Date the wrong person, choose the wrong career. You can go outside and start eating dirt if you want, and the universe lets you. Not even a pop up like “Are you sure?”

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    3. velj

    you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.

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  10. 3. velj

    right after posting this i was like "i hope people don't think i'm bragging!!!" the cute thoughts are back baby

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  11. 3. velj

    as a teenager i was already typing at 150+ wpm and by my early 20s very cutely thought "i'm so fast everyone's gonna want to hire me to write for them." i miss having cute thoughts

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    1. velj

    In England, math is called crisps

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    27. sij

    Updating my resume. Under special skills I put “looking through a brass spyglass at sails on the horizon and announcing, ‘We’ve got company’”

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  14. 1. velj

    as a comedy writer i get asked a lot in meetings if i can also write drama and the answer is yes because if there is one thing i am absolutely capable of it is not being funny

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  15. 31. sij

    ok i've officially done it i have finally watched every single episode of every tv show there is to see. all the episodes. every last one of them. even the one you're about to make up just to test the truthfulness of my statement. that one was my favorite

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  16. 30. sij

    do you know how many days are in each month or do you always need to sing the little song

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  17. 29. sij

    truffle oil is great if you want an expensive way to make your food taste like dirt and someone else's breath

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  18. 29. sij

    what’s more uncomfortable than being aggressively catcalled? how about the ‘can i have a hug’ guy

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  19. 29. sij

    petition to record a different sound byte of children laughing please

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  20. 28. sij

    have yet to meet a tech startup guy who doesn't have an 'accidentally kill you at a sex party' energy

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  21. 27. sij
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